2020 – The Age of COVID and Protests – Parenting

I was interviewed on a podcast recently and some of the topics we covered were things I thought may be of interest to you. We discussed how to talk to children about all of our recent heavy headline news. And, are these times fostering more PTSD?

Let’s take a look at Covid and our kids; how do we safely allow them to see friends and be kids? It’s been about six months now and this virus is still in the headlines—in Arizona and some other states we’re even seeing a greater number of both new cases daily and more hospitalizations than we did during the first of the outbreak when we were under stay at home orders. It was tough to manage when the spread was new, but now that it’s continuing for so long it feels nearly impossible to keep our children happy at home away from their friends. So, what do we do? How do we talk to them about these times? Start by ensuring you have trusted and up to date information– take a look at the websites of the CDC, your state public health department, and Johns Hopkins, as examples. Only after you have a clear picture of what the current Coronavirus status is, are you ready to talk to your children. At that point, open up the discussions!

The first consideration is realizing that the conversation varies greatly depending on their age. For children 4 and under, it’s enough to simply say people are still getting sick in our city and we have to change the way we play with friends to help keep everyone healthy. Begin by teaching children to keep their hands away from their faces. Pull their hair back so it doesn’t tickle their cheeks and noses, have tissues ready for runny noses and sneezes, and choose age appropriate, size appropriate toys to keep their hands busy. Rattles, teethers, and soft toys for babies belonging only to them and well sanitized between uses are good options. For older children, choose things that aren’t choke hazards that are good for fidgeting, Rubik’s cubes, fidget spinners and cubes, and similar—keeping in mind that a toilet paper tube is a good size to put something through to test whether it is small enough to choke on.

Another good safety lesson for your kids is to teach them their personal space area, which is really well illustrated by having your older toddler hold a hula hoop around their body. Let them hold it and walk next to someone to see what it feels like to keep that distance from someone else and play. And–what does play look like at this age? The safest course of action is to create alliances with certain friends, setting expectations that each of you will only open your bubble to one another. Along with that, you’re maintaining safety by not going out to stores without a mask, not dining in restaurants, and not seeing people, including family, from outside of your own home other than the other family or families that have created the alliance with. If you decide to see someone outside your bubble, then you wait 2 weeks until you again see your playmate friends. It takes a commitment to uphold this level of conscientiousness, a level of honesty with the other family or families in the bubble, and a good degree of trust.

The next safest way to play is to meet up at a playground. Keep in mind what we’ve learned about the virus, larger, more open-air spaces spread out the germ load making the viral transmission less than in an enclosed space with people closely in contact. Playdates in the park could include not only the playground equipment, but also scooters, bicycles, kites, jump ropes, and hula hoops. Things that promote independent side by side play rather than heads huddled close together sharing Legos as an example. And if you’re not comfortable with the playground equipment, go to a part of the park with only grassy play areas and try the other activities mentioned.

Grade school children conversations can include a bit more information. Remember you’re not trying to encourage worry with your child, so don’t use scare tactics.  Rather, you are sharing with them the reasons their play lives don’t look the same as what they did.   You can ask if they have questions about this sickness that is affecting people, ask them what they know about it. By knowing what they’re thinking it can guide you in what you need to share with them. With this age, you can explain in a bit more detail the reasons behind changes you’ve implemented in your family activities. It’s okay to tell your children there is an illness that is causing some people to get very sick and sometimes need to go to the hospital. You can tell them that using a mask can help not only keep them safe and healthy but also those around them, so it’s important to wear a mask in public. If you’re having trouble getting them to wear the mask, treat it like a dress up accessory. Find or make a children’s mouth and nose covering mask that is in a print or style of a super-hero, maybe add a cape and let them wear the whole ensemble to the store. Or, maybe a princess mask and gown. Remember, children are imaginative and the more you can incorporate the mask into their imaginative play, the more likely they are to embrace it! The information shared on playdates for the younger set applies here too.

Middle and high school children have a much higher level of understanding than the younger set, obviously, yet the premise of creating a dialog remains the same. Open up the talk by asking them what they think about Covid, what facts they know, and what questions they have. This is an age that you can be a relatively open book about how this virus has affected our world. Remember that you are not attempting to create panic or anxiety so frame your words in a way that isn’t an attempt to scare them into submission, rather a factual account of the vast numbers of people that have been affected. From how long the illness is taking to get over, to the extent of hospitalizations and deaths, there is not an area than need be kept from this age bracket. However, know your child.  If he or she is a child who will remain up at night worrying about the lives of all those who are sick, limit your details about of the illness when discussing the symptoms of the very sick.  High school teens are able to get a lot of info on their own, and likely are through friends and social media.  We all know that some of this information is not correct, so it’s especially important to begin with what they know, what worries them about Covid, and what their thoughts are about this disease. 

If you don’t recall the specifics of past pandemics, now may be a time to look at how the influenza pandemic swept through in 1918, or any of the epidemics that have gone on in our country or world’s history. Your children have learned about these times in history more recently than you have and using the examples of the past may help them realize that with time, this will be something we are able to move forward from. Enjoying time with friends for the middle-high school age group looks a bit different than it did for the younger set. This is a time in life that maybe it’s okay to ease up a bit on the restrictions of their gaming devices, recognizing this is an area many kids play games with their friends—and in this case it’s a physically safe way to have some social time. Beyond that, this is where you model the behavior you want to see in your kids. They’re watching you, and if it’s okay for you to gather with friends, go out to dinner or drinks, or go to parties, they’re going to expect to be able to do the same. If you are distancing and your pre-teens or teens want to have a social life resembling what they had prior to the outbreak, you will have to set some guidelines—and remain consistent. If your child has a close friend and you know the family of that friend is also distancing and using the cautions you are at home, maybe you’ll decide it’s okay to let the kids spend time together. If the other friends’ families aren’t distancing, or you don’t know their family expectations, maybe you’d be okay allowing the kids to get together at an outside venue—a pool, or a lake—but not let them ride together in a car to get there. This is where well thought out judgement is necessary. It is a stressful time and will likely require you have conversations with your spouse or significant other to be sure the two of you are aligned in thinking so you can’t be played against one another. Make concessions so each of you feel heard if you’re not in total agreement, and as is always the case with good parenting, consistency is key. Upholding standards so your kids know what to expect each and every time can eliminate a lot of fights.

Talking with your children about race relations, protests, and the police all follow the same guidelines. Use your child’s age to determine how deeply you delve into the topic. If your children are young, picture books can be great, dolls with different skin tones can illustrate and model play among people of all colors—remember not to buy only dolls that look like your child. If your kids are older, it’s a wonderful time to ask questions to see how they think, ask what they’d like to see change, and help them navigate how to handle racist conversations with others, including the possibility that racism is coming from somewhere in your own family. If you are a person or a family who protests, go forth in the safest way you can—and pay attention to some of the really excellent graphics circulating on social media about how to protest safely including always wearing a mask and carrying water with you. Recognize that this may be confusing to children who are told they cannot attend a birthday party, yet they then see you or all of your family surrounded by hundreds in a protest. Be prepared to explain your reasoning and your safety precautions.

Some of your older children may be taking in the messaging on de-funding the police. They may have opinions about why it is a good measure, or why they’re afraid of it. Again, be informed yourself by reading up on the topic. Understand what de-funding means, and where the funds are proposed to be allocated instead. Ask your kids questions. Get a good understanding of their level of interest in the topic, their concerns or gaps in knowledge, and if you don’t know all of the answers with this topic or any—it’s okay to tell them that. Research it with them, or on your own and come back to the conversation after you’ve done some more reading. Try not to put it off for too long, lest they think their questions aren’t important to you. Remember that a lot of learning how to critically analyze a situation comes with maturity. Help them learn how to be critical thinkers by posing questions to them that go deeper than the superficial, and really listen when they speak to you.

My theme here has been talking and creating open communication. It is a healthy start to help a person move through these news headlines that are so heavily weighted. Matters of health, social injustice, overhauling our police forces are among the most stressful and highly charged topics in life. So, is all of this exposure to so much right now fostering more PTSD? I don’t believe so in most cases. But the news can potentially trigger PTSD if watched too frequently. By proactively limiting exposure to these events and viewing of the news, social media, and talking through these matters with your children or teens who may also see the coverage, the potential can be minimized.  And, as has been highlighted in nearly every writing I’ve done on stress, take note of what media you’re consuming, both in your sources and in the amount. If you find it difficult to digest, have a hard time sleeping, have ruminating thoughts, and/or find yourself anxious, it’s time to unplug for a while. Rest. Meditate. Be in nature. Check in with friends. Talk to someone you feel really hears you.  If this is not enough, always seek professional help. People are resilient but do much better at handling difficult times using healthy tools. There was more discussion centered on PTSD, trauma, self-care, and stress in the podcase, and we’ll be issuing a part 2 to this blog within the next week or two, so stay tuned!  You can also listen to the podcast, click here.

Finally, as the numbers are increasing so very quickly of COVID in our county and state, please take care of yourself and let us know if you need any assistance.  Grief is sure to be an issue we’ll be dealing with in coming blogs, but in the meantime if you need to hear more about this topic, you can do so here or on stress and COVID here.  As always, I wish you good health–both mentally and physically, and encourage you to take care of yourself daily, moment by moment. 

Dr. Beth

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Deepening: Thoughts to Consider

Deepening…the word for 2020 that we are using at The Wholeness Institute.  Angie and I spent a good deal of time on brainstorming and planning what we want to accomplish in 2020, and deepening resonated with our goals and, hopefully, with yours.  Deepening has many meanings…

            ~To become more profound

            ~To enhance

            ~To strengthen

            ~Powering up

            ~Living more deeply into something – a relationship, spirituality, one’s inner self

            ~Living with purpose

            ~Leaning into experience

            ~Result of transformation.

When I think of it in terms of my counseling practice, I think of it as being present to others as they grow, as they go within themselves more to the discover who they are. Witnessing each person transform parts of him or herself that may no longer fit or has caused pain.  It’s being privileged to be with a person as they are leaning into their gifts, owning them, allowing themselves to become better acquainted and experience life more deeply as well as broadly.  Broadly alone isn’t enough, though, if we want to feel connected with others, with those most special to us, to ourselves.  This isn’t so new, if you go back to the Quakers, the mindfulness writers, those who are Jungian in thought, there are many books and articles written.  We hope that at the end of 2020, the first year of our new decade, you feel that you have received direction or ideas from me that have resulted in deepening your life and experiences more completely. 

Toward that we are restarting, adjusting, and adding some offerings, and welcome you to ask questions, reach out as you are called to deepen in during this year, or share with me how we can help you in your process throughout the year.  We are still working with many of the same populations and with similar issues, but with a slightly revised focus as we walk into 2020.  Rather than just teaching, or counseling, I hope to experience a deepening of my practice, and Angie’s work here, so that you are able to find a deeper sense of who you are and perhaps how things have moved forward in your life. So, we will be working in the next month to begin adjusting things in the following ways:

~ We will offer two blogs a month – one about a change or addition to your knowledge or understanding of what the field of psychology and spirituality are understanding today.  So perhaps an update on how yoga is used; a new treatment method for brain injury or depression; or even just a new idea to try to keep life balanced. The second will offer deeper content such as journaling exercises, ways to make your growth more experiential, and allow you the opportunity to move a tiny or larger step forward.

~As some of you know I have a new puppy – Finley.  We are going to add Instagram back with a focus on Finley’s Corner, lessons he is learning, that we also can learn from.  As an example, a lesson he learned after Christmas family celebrations? We all need rest after a long day. Look for an Instagram link soon!

~More days of retreat and mornings of information.  There are two we are looking at now, in addition to two in conjunction with others we have been invited to or are co-offering.

March 7 – Unfolding to Yourself:  Understanding Self and Spirit

May 16 – Professionals with Brain Injury:  Couples Facing Change

~Watch for the addition of concierge counseling services soon both for brain injury and personal growth clients – with special information pages, some case management built-in for no additional charge, consults with other professionals on your behalf, priority scheduling to meet your schedule, and other tips or help.

~More teletherapy appointments available to you.

So, as you are beginning your new year, here’s a deepening question for you to consider and write about:  What do I need to do to lean into my own life more fully? Write for 10 minutes and stop. Step away from the writing for a few moments.  Reread it and write down one action step to take or new awareness you have.  It might be set a reminder to write tonight before retiring for 10 minutes.  It might be to spend 5 minutes of your walk in silence, not talking with anyone with you, but taking in what you are seeing.  It might be saying a prayer or writing a prayer to your Higher Power tonight at bedtime.  Then go – live your life as it is unfolds today (including football and friends).  Begin each day with this – and just watch your life transform and deepen this year.

With care and encouragement to dare to dive more deeply into who you are,

Dr. Beth

In my own deepening understanding of myself
I find my capacity to serve others is deepened as well.
The better I am at self–care
the more genuinely nurturing of others I am able to be.
– Mary Anne Radmacher

Help Your Kids Make Good Choices—Special Edition Blog on e-Cigarettes

If you haven’t seen the headlines in the last couple of days and didn’t see a surge on social media a couple of weeks ago, this may surprise you. Reports are showing early data that the usage of e-cigarettes contributed to the first lung related death, and more widespread, is causing substantial damage to lungs and the numbers are alarming.

The market has exploded with e-cigarettes, Juuls, and other vaping devices to supply candy and fruit flavored nicotine to interested users. Per Juul’s website, “JUUL was developed as a satisfying alternative to cigarettes. Learn about our mission to improve the lives of the world’s one billion adult smokers by eliminating cigarettes.” More reading of the website leaves a reader feeling that switching from cigarettes to this vaping device is a cleaner, safer choice.

The Juul itself is tiny, shaped like a USB drive, and with the enticing flavors, the market of users is not just cigarette converts, it’s also our teens. School districts nationwide are holding parent and child education events to provide information on this new smoking trend to teach and also encourage an open dialog among families about such nicotine usage.

But the reality is, vaping has been too new for us to have a lot of clinical data showing the toll it takes on one’s body. There are anecdotal reports of these electronic vaping devices exploding—and graphic images can be found of people who have had them in pockets, in their hands, and worse, in their mouths at the time the device ruptured and exploded causing substantial tissue damage. But what about the lungs? It’s been surmised that vaping can contribute to popcorn lung, but beyond that it was all supposition until recent weeks.

Earlier this month, a teen came forward on social media posting pictures of his hospitalization and subsequent recovery of a lung collapse. It is believed his use of a Juul for the past year and a half caused the lung issues he experienced. As his posts went viral, he launched the campaign #lunglove encouraging people to give up their electronic vaping devices in an effort to prevent more hospitalizations and deaths. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/teen-blames-vaping-after-his-lung-collapses/ Today it is being reported that the first death has been linked to e-cigarettes in Illinois and dozens more have been hospitalized for conditions similar to the teen mentioned above. https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/23/health/vaping-lung-disease-death-illinois-bn/index.html

These headlines are important, your teen knows about these devices and based on statistics alone, has likely tried one. They are present in every high school and likely every middle school in the country. Local teens are reporting they aren’t even able to use the restrooms because they’re so heavily used for vaping during breaks. Vaping devices can deliver nicotine, flavorings, and other additives; but some can also include THC—the psychoactive substance in marijuana—and other substances. Inform yourself and inform your teens. For information about vaping and marijuana, see: https://drugfree.org/parent-blog/know-kid-vaping-marijuana/  If you need suggestions on how to start a conversation with your kids, a number of resources have been written on this topic. Follow this link to a google search with a number of credible organizations that have tackled just this situation. https://www.google.com/search?q=start+conversation+with+teens+on+ecigarettes&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1-e

And lest we forget, it’s not just teens who vape, UCLA reports that adults, too, are buying into this and many believe it is safer than cigarettes.  That’s yet to be proven.  And even for teens, scientists are still considering how vaping impacts the development of the brain – remember that the young person’s frontal lobe does not stop developing until about 25 years of age.  So with cardiovascular, lung, and brain impact we do need to be aware for our youth first, but for all adults as well (http://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories/how-safe-is-vaping)

Open communication about the dangers of these devices is one of the best ways you can help your teen make good choices. And remember, the listening—and hearing—what your kids have to say can be even more important than doing the talking.

Thanksgiving Thoughts 2018

Last weekend I had the privilege of attending a silent retreat in Tucson. The silence was a gift in and of itself, but the time also allowed me to regain perspective in areas including the gifts in my life for which I’m grateful. I’d been keeping a gratitude journal again for awhile, but that has been done in the midst of the busyness and clamor of life.

John O’Donohue wrote about the blessings in our lives for which to be grateful. The simple yet deep areas that were part of what came to me in the silence:

Blessed be the gifts you never notice,

your health, eyes to behold the world,

thoughts to countenance the unknown,

memory to harvest vanished days,

your heart to feel the world’s waves,

your breath to breathe the nourishment

of distance made intimate by earth.

As I recall last weekend, I realize that being in silence allowed me to be aware of things I would normally miss, which in turn  led to a fuller sense of  gratitude. I took the time to notice and watch the hot air balloons and appreciated their colors and the courage of those in them. I took the time and rather than assume only bees were flying around a planter, I looked closer and realized many of what I noticed were actually tiny yellow butterflies flitting about and how happy I felt in watching them. In listening to the retreat director I became so very grateful for my eyes and vision when I found out that she was going rapidly blind but was slowly learning to find gratitude for other things-friends who helped her, her husband’s arm, the ability to still see a sunset, the richness of her relationship with her son and his family, and audiobooks to continue her love of learning, prayer, and faith development through books.

When in silence I also found I very much appreciated no social media … a separate commitment I’d made to myself for the retreat and which I found I missed not at all. Was that the “nourishment of distance made intimate” for me as I instead focused on nature, reading, and writing? Perhaps, it certainly felt that way.

At Thanksgiving we are taught to be thankful for fun times with family, football, a large dinner, and friends. I wonder what would happen if we each took 30 minutes to be silent. Might we recognize gifts in our lives, large or small, that we otherwise wouldn’t notice? Would we notice our bodies and the health we have, despite what we do not have any longer? Maybe we would take the time in nature to notice yellow butterflies or appreciate clouds slowly moving through above us, and be amazed at the process of movement that happens when we think all is still around us. We might even take the time to read or write and learn more about what is below our own surface. Or recognize through a picture, odor, taste, or sound the memory of a day in the past full of hope and allow it to imbue our hearts with hope again. Just maybe our hearts would feel a movement and allow it to impact us and notice how a similar time also influenced us this year. And in all of this, it’s just possible we would breathe more deeply, fed by the nourishment of life within and around us rather than just by turkey and gravy.

So here’s my challenge to each of you this Thanksgiving. Take 30 minutes and be in silence. Perhaps before you rise in the morning, after your feast while you take a walk alone, or in the evening before bed. Turn off the TV, put down the iPad, silence your phone. And notice what is around you. In you. What you’re grateful for in your life or your children’s or your relationships. Maybe even just see what comes up as you close your eyes and relax for that time, or meditate. Treat yourself to the gifts of silence to see, hear, smell, or increase in awareness of some lost idea re-found. I would bet you will end your day even more grateful than you might otherwise be this Thanksgiving. Then pick up the phone or pad and tell someone for whom you recognize deeper gratefulness. And thank yourself for this gift of time for you. May you in doing so feel even more “blessed by the gifts you never notice”.

Thoughts on love.

Recently I had the opportunity to see a part of the country I’d never seen before, the southeast, more specifically, a part of North Carolina. There was a wedding I had great joy in attending, and had a part of my longing for Ireland assuaged…through the friendliness of the people and the beauty in the deep green foliage.  The wedding was so incredibly beautiful in its simplicity that it allowed the love of the couple and the family to truly be hallmark.  So often the love can be secondary to the pomp; although true love shines through if one looks to see it.  As we flew home I had the quiet time to ponder what I had witnessed. In doing so I realized I’d seen love throughout the trip.

There are likely thousands of definitions of love. Surprisingly, perhaps, I am using a definition by C.S. Lewis for this article: “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”.  At weddings we see affection, but when we can really sit back and watch people over time, we are treated, in specially gifted moments, to glimpses of one acting for another’s ultimate good, as Lewis defined love.  That weekend I saw affectionate love, a mother with her near-toddler away from the group so that he could exercise his need to move and explore. A groom gently stroking his bride’s hand during the ceremony. A mother and father watching their daughter lovingly and then searching for reassurance later that she was included and embraced as family and in family when not near them.  All of these both affectionate, for they each were affected by and with the person of their love; but also reflecting Lewis’s definition that love truly seeks and wishes for the other’s overarching best. The health of the child, the peace in the bride, and the true well-being of the daughter.

Brene Brown, whose work I find challenging in deep ways each time I hear her words or meditate upon a sentence in one of her books, said “Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect”.  I believe she is speaking of the same love Lewis did. And that weekend I saw the same bride able to be silly and later play spoons with the musicians. Even the musicians, all family and friends, though talented, had safety to be themselves and not have to play or sing perfectly. Such a fun evening!  A friend of the couple willingly made childlike faces with his friends, and walked a little girl around umpteen times to explore and quench her thirst for experience. The mother of the groom stepped back in love and then later reached out to her son in true love for him.  Did each lose something? Yes, but they also gained something bigger in sharing their love. In wanting the best for the other, and in doing so imperfectly and courageously.

How do you love yourself? On a hike to some waterfalls I enjoyed many, many moments of laughter and sharing with our small group of merry middle-aged folk and one young couple brave enough to venture out with us. (And I’m so glad they did! So much fun to see them together as family and enjoying what for them was one more hike, for me the opportunity to revel in the love they share.)  Yet there was another inner part of me aware of less inner judgment of others, of myself.  Yet I still felt challenged to stop any negative chatter about myself, how I walked, looked, even interacted. At one time in my life I recall this inner chatter wearing me down long before the hike did. But this time I found myself probably at my most self-accepting, able to just pace myself, laugh with others, push on another 20 steps up from Triple Falls, and enjoy the people, the views, the majesty of the mountains and falls, the grandeur of the old and so very tall trees, and the love of the couples surrounding me as each helped the other in some way over the course of a couple of hours.

So this summer I want to challenge each of you to look and really see what is around you. Particularly the love that wants for the well-being of the other, and sometimes in the special presence of affection as well. Do not look only for the love of affection, but also the tougher to find-that love which, over time, allows for courage to be imperfect.  You must, however, start with the courage to be imperfect yourself.  You don’t have to be a concert pianist, in love playing the spoons is quite enough and more beautiful! You don’t have to climb Everest, sometimes hiking in a group of middle-aged or just inexperienced hikers is plenty because it’s time with family. So I want you to grab a pen and paper and fill in the following three blanks for your summer wholeness:

Today I have the courage to acknowledge this piece of imperfection in myself ___________ (name some part that is hard for you to accept) and I promise myself to share it with someone who loves me enough to want for my well-being as far as it can be attained. This person is _____________ .

Today I took the time to appreciate love and beauty around me when I ______________ (where you were or what you were doing).  And I am grateful to have observed love in _____________ (name the situation).

And today through the above I opened myself to take a step beyond fear, into self-love, out to experience love of other, and I showed love and desire for their ultimate well-being to ____________.

Wow! Look at you now! You are closer, even by a bit, to playing the spoons, making a silly face, and being an example of imperfect, courageous, authenticity and love. As John Lennon said: “Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life”. And I believe that is all right back to what C.S. Lewis said happens when we love through a steady wish, a hope, a strongly and long held wish for the ultimate well-being for the other.

Embracing Ourselves

It’s been a busy few months and I got distracted from this blog; however, it’s been on my mind, and my visit to the Frida and Diego art exhibit yesterday has given me the inspiration needed to pick it up. It was a wonderful visit with some friends, and as I wandered through it I became aware of Frida’s growth over the years. Some of her paintings and dresses were on exhibit as well as photographs by others of her. And while I’m focusing on her, Diego’s work and pictures were exhibited as well.

Frida and Diego were known for their art, relationship, and their politics in Mexico. While I do not believe her lifestyle was necessarily healthy, i.e.: affairs, I do believe her art matured and grew as she did. There are many ways to approach this, but as I considered Frida, her movement from one mastered by Diego and using his art as teacher and model shifted to her own technique and self as more independent of him, while still showing and experiencing love for and from him. One view that struck me at the exhibit, and that shows her dependency was captured by my friend, Dr. Mark Arcuri and was posted above. Here the focus of her quote is on Diego, and all he meant to her. Where is her sense of self, one might ask? While she certainly captures her mother’s background in her clothing, and wears it brilliantly,

Photo credit: Dr Mark Arcuri

she does still rely on Diego and mother and cultural background to define her. How many of us do that? Truly there is nothing wrong with this…as long as it is defining part, not all of who we are. I am Irish in my mind first culturally, second Polish, and lastly Scottish. I celebrate some holidays in ways that capture these parts of my genetic and cultural background my parents shared with me. I enjoy the many friends that I have, and what time with each means to me, to the fullness of my life, and to what they do in encouraging my growth as a person. And I take hope from my faith and live it through my spiritual walk. So my life and identity follow Frida’s life pattern as most, if not all of us, do.

And yet, I was most struck by a picture of hers from 1949, The Love Embrace of the Universe. The exhibitors describe it as her assimilation of her spiritual beliefs and the embrace similar to that of Mary embracing Christ and simultaneously showing Frida’s minimization of Diego and his influence over her life. This was only 5-6 years before her death, and many years into her relationship. Further, it was during her recovery from a major surgery and is followed by a few years when her art was accepted some on its own merit, not secondarily from Diego’s.

What this made me reflect on again, was how when we are not relying on others for definition, then we become our own person, and are capable of interdependent relationships. We are able to be held and hold others, as she was in this final picture I shared. And we are experienced and accepted on our merit and being, not as someone’s spouse, sibling, parent, or child. Not that those roles aren’t important, but again, they are but part of the whole package of who we are.

So as I end today, I urge you to consider who you define yourself as, whose life you are following, and what your faith and spirituality do to influence this? Ask yourself, where do I need further definition? Where are my shadows that need light and color to be made a part of the whole of me? And let the last days of spring encourage your growth as sunflowers popping up, being and embracing their being-ness boldly, fully, completely.

Blessings on your journey.

(PS: Interested in the Frida and Diego exhibit? It is at the Heard Museum in Phoenix through August 20, 2017, see http://heard.org/exhibits/frida-kahlo-diego-rivera/ or for other locations see http://www.fridakahlo.it/en/eventi.php)

Love is Everywhere

Valentine’s Day is an interesting holiday. Although originally the focus was on fertility, it later centered on a religious figure, St. Valentine, who was martyred for marrying couples. So although the origin is related to marriage and reproduction, today the focus is more on balloons, chocolate, flowers, and expensive meals out with a loved one. And yet, if we look at the roots, it was as much about love as loneliness. Loneliness is at the roots of couples unable to have children, couples unable to marry due to a decree, and today perhaps an individual who doesn’t fit the advertising world’s view of love in purchases deemed suitable for Valentine’s Day.

What? How can I say that?  Think about the infertile couple who long for children to love. Or, the couple lonely within their relationship. Or, the single of any age who might feel ostracized on a holiday clearly focused on what they are not- a couple. Or the divorcee or recently separated from a partner who misses being in the relationship, or still loves his ex, but instead is alone. What about the person married for 1 or 70 years whose beloved died and long for just one more hug? Or even the person is generally happy and content, but the holiday leaves them feeling something is missing? When you do think of it you realize that when we consider all these people there are a lot who may feel a bit down this week, or a lot down. Perhaps you’re one of them.

I’ve been reading the book, “A Man Called Ove;” he is a man who is feeling desperately alone for many reasons, and we know that clearly people don’t gravitate toward this kind of curmudgeon. And though it’s set in Sweden, where I don’t even know if they celebrate Valentine’s Day; I’m sure he would not have felt very uplifted on this day at many points in his life. I’m not going to give the story away, but suffice it to say he learns, as the back of the book says, “that life is sweeter when it is shared with other people.” And this is the saving grace for many who face a day of loneliness each year…or many lonely days after the loss of a love.

On this day of love—reach out for some philia love, friendship. Call a friend and tell them how important they are to you. Give them a Valentine’s card for friends. Remember the exchanges in elementary school? When they weren’t unhealthy competitions, they were about sharing good thoughts with each other. Do that as an adult. Have nieces and nephews? Do they know you care about them? Tell them on this day. Write one to yourself-remind yourself of your good points. Cuddle your pet-give them an extra treat on this day. Plant a small houseplant to celebrate life. Put it in a red or pink pot to remind yourself of your friends all year.

All of the ideas will focus you on the love you do have. And love is everywhere … even when we don’t feel it … Just look around. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Bullet Journals- for your Mental Health

Guest Blogger: Danielle Counihan

Readers, I asked Danielle to write this as she uses a bullet journal regularly, and has

found it very helpful. Consequently, I thought, who better to write this for us? Enjoy!

Dr. Beth

 

Have you ever had problems picking a planner because it never suited your needs? Then, once you had one, you ended up with a separate planner, to-do list, and journal, and never had the one you needed when you needed it? Fortunately, there is a new system that has been taking the Internet by storm. Bullet journaling is a system of writing that is a combination planner, to-do list and diary all in one; and the best part about it is that it is completely customizable to your individual needs! This makes it an awesome tool for anyone, from students, to housewives, to military personnel, as it can be adjusted to fit anyone’s needs and, because you design it as you go, it can be re-designed every day, week, or month. I use mine primarily as a to-do list, a planner to keep track of obligations such as doctor’s appointments and meals with friends, and a meal planner to stick to my food budget, but it is also a great tool to help with mental health.

 

One of the greatest parts of the bullet journal is that all you really need to start one is a pen or pencil, and a journal (again, whatever kind you like, the “most recommended” is the moleskin dotted journal as it gives you the flexibility to draw your own lines or charts (although I have not tried one yet, I think it might be my next one)). If you look up “bullet journal” on the Internet (or Pinterest), you can find TONS of ideas and ways to make yours beautiful, but frankly the most important thing about it is that it works for you and is real (in other words, don’t get all caught up in trying to make it pretty and forget to make it useful). Just start with an index and a key, then move onto whatever works for you. I put an extended view that shows the whole year (or period of time until a major change), then my logs, which we’ll get to later, then into my monthly, weekly, and occasionally daily views. So how, you ask, can this awesome system of planning help with mental health? Many, many ways!

 

The bullet journal is a great way to track habits. Now, because it is so flexible you can choose to do this on a monthly, weekly, or daily basis. I typically do it on a weekly basis. For me the monthly is just too much room in the journal, and so a little overwhelming to look at, and the daily is too much detail that it can also get a little overwhelming. Don’t be afraid to experiment and see what works for you, my journal now looks very different than the setup I started with six months ago.

 

The main thing about this kind of habit tracker is that you can track everything that Dr. Beth talked about in her September/October Newsletter in order to be in balance (see here http://www.thewholenessinstitute.com/uploads/5/1/1/6/51166175/sept-oct_2015_newsletter.pdf) : physical, mental, contextual, spiritual, interactional, emotional, sensual, nutritional, and intellectual health. By tracking these things, especially if you do decide to do a monthly spread, you can see patterns and so make connections. You can see what kind of exercise, interactions, and meditations help your day be better, and what kinds don’t help as much. From this, you can more easily identify things that weigh you down and set goals to help you. Another great thing about a habit tracker is that you can track your goals. Just be sure to make reasonable goals (don’t be like me and try to start out running 2 miles after not exercising for three years, it’s just not going to happen and will just make you feel bad about yourself, trust me). And don’t get discouraged if you have a bad day, they happen and they don’t have to ruin the goal, they’re just a minor setback.

Here is a fairly simple daily view option.

Here is another daily view option, this one is a little more detailed. I typically use the more detailed one when I have more to keep track of.

Here is a monthly tracker. Color coding things is not necessary, but it does help keep track of which categories are going well, versus which cogs are getting stuck and need some more help.

Here are two weekly view options, one a fairly simple one and the other a little more detailed.

Another great thing about the bullet journal is that it can be your to-do list. I used to have little sticky notes floating around everywhere with things I was supposed to do, which only resulted in me losing one and forgetting something. With the bullet journal, you can keep all those little things to remember and things to do in one place. The only thing better than that is that you can give yourself permission to make a “done” list. That means that I will write down and mark off things that I did throughout the day. This is something I shamelessly do, especially on days when I’m tired and want to prove to myself that I actually accomplished something. There is something very uplifting about crossing something off of a list to me, and making a done list helps to give this sense of accomplishment, as well as helping you to know that something is done.

 

The bullet journal is a great place to keep logs as well. Gratitude logs are huge in the bullet journal community for a reason. They help to keep things in perspective, and let you look back on the week and appreciate what is good in your life.

Keeping a longer-term goal log helps you to see where you have improved and where needs some work. A self-care idea page could be helpful; just fill it in with what you know helps you to start, and as you learn things from tracking all aspects of self care and see what helps, add them. That way if you’re having a bad day you have a go-to list of things you know will help.

If you have a hard time thinking of things to journal about, a go-to journal prompt page is a great idea.

Or, if you are an artist at heart and doodling helps you clear your mind, make a doodle page or section in your weekly/daily view (you can see that I added one in one of the weekly options).

 

It’s not called a bullet journal for nothing! The bujo is a great place to be able to journal what you’re feeling and thinking. Rant boxes can be a great way to release the tension of the day and let go of any anger or hard feelings. Just be careful not to overdo it and let the rant turn into just harmful rumination. And if you’re still upset but see that it’s about to turn into obsessing, turn it around and ask yourself “what can I do to help address this?” Even if the answer is “just let it go”, writing it down will help you to accept that that is the best way to address it and move on.

The bullet journal is just for you, not anyone else, and as such can be a great asset in helping to process therapy sessions. Here is a template for a therapy debrief.

This is a great way to be able to reflect later on what you talked about in therapy and so helps you work through it on your own time between sessions. It also gives you space to write down things to bring up in the next session, and could even be modified for any other doctor’s appointments.

 

A bullet journal is a useful and helpful system of planning that can be incredibly helpful when it comes to mental health. I’ve given you some tools to get started both with general bullet journaling, as well as customizing it for use to help with mental health. Happy journaling!

 

I want to thank Danielle for her efforts in providing us some great templates to begin tracking what might help in your daily life, as well as what might be useful in tracking moods, therapy ideas, and feelings. Give it a try – for those who don’t like to “journal” because it takes so long, this is a helpful, short chunk idea for journaling, although certainly you could add your own pages to write further or have a separate journal for that. As this busy holiday season begins I hope you’ll use this as a way to help you get through it more peacefully. Take care, all, Dr. Beth

 

 

Freedom – Finding it Within!

When I was a child I grew up in Elmhurst, IL. Think small town at the time, not more than 10,000 when I grew up, so not a city but not as small as Mayberry! I was a Girl Scout and on the 4th of July I walked the town parade, and supper that night was a neighborhood get together with Rice Krispies chicken, potato salad, and fireworks at Glen Ellyn Park, a  park that was close by. I felt free at the time, and each year the feelings from those 4th celebrations fill my heart with peace and joy and my face is wreathed with smiles.

Today, as I think about the 4th of July on Monday, I am thinking about it and considering – how do I hold myself back from freedom, peace, and joy in my daily life? Why is it that we so often experience joy at celebrations, but not so often throughout our day? And how can I release myself for more freedom?
First, as I think about it, I realize that we get bogged down in life by responsibilities. On a holiday we are better able to release ourselves from those and let ourselves be more present to the joys. We may get busy prepping, but then when we relax and sit back and watch the fireworks, sit by the pool with friends or family, or bite into the hotdog or watermelon. All of these activities touch our senses and create memories. Given this, is there a way to bring this into our day-to-day life? Well, what about taking the time to slow down and enjoy a piece of watermelon? Savor a moment of a beautiful moon on your walk in the evening? Or, flip through some photos of family from your youth rather than playing a game of Candy Crush? Perhaps those moments would bring a sensory memory of a time when it was less hectic, and we can use the sensory memory to slow down our heart beat, release the tension in our shoulders, or let a smile replace the furrowed brow tightening our faces. Taking time to relax, despite the responsibilities, is a potential first step.

Second, I realize that on a daily basis I am running from meeting to meeting, email to text, or phone call to answering a physical call from someone. The pace is slower generally on the 4th of July, thus allowing all of us to relax. Today we know that stress is a physiological and neurological response – as well as an emotional response. If we are consistently stressed, our body begins treating all stress as fight/flight/freeze and we change the way our adrenals function – sometimes burning them out. The amygdala begins to discharge fear reactions in our neurochemistry and we trigger an adrenal response we don’t actually need. So if we want to prevent that, and enjoy life more despite it being a work day, we have to put some things in place. Some ideas are to watch your scheduling – try to keep your workday within a reasonable number of hours (see the January-March newsletter at http://www.thewholenessinstitute.com/newsletters.html for more on this); reduce your perfectionism – it can be ok to live with places that are in the “good enough” category; notice and love what you have. All of these can actually slow our pace and brains down – in a good way – and allow us to experience less stress.
Third, plan fun time! That’s really a big one on the 4th of July. We plan to barbeque, or go to the lake, or hit the pool with friends. And we enjoy our time together. When is the last time you planned an enjoyable time with your spouse or a friend in the middle of the week? Maybe that would help to break your week up and put some enjoyment into it rather than “waiting for the weekend” to come, or a holiday to come. Answer the call from the pool during these summer evenings!
Fourth and last, take some time to really enjoy the people and animals around you. Breathing in love, touch, and companionship can do much to relax us and help us stay in touch with the joy and love around us. For women, we actually increase the hormone oxytocin, a hormone that helps us to relax and release love. We first experience it when being with our mothers, and throughout life when we are sharing our love and feelings with another. Virginia Satir once said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Wow – not many of us get that many, particularly when we live alone. So we need to improvise – pet or hug your dog; reach out to your friend with a hug; give a warm handshake to an acquaintance – right hand to hand, left hand on top; or get a massage. Skin to skin contact actually is healing so we can heal our stress by not being so afraid of appropriate touch.
So, what are you going to be doing this 4th of July? And perhaps even more important to your mental health and brain, what are you doing on the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th ….? Let your freedom from stress ring!

February: A Time for Love & Introspection

February is always an interesting month for me. Valentine’s Day usually comes first, with the focus on love and relationships. And for many Christians, Lent follows. This year there is a reverse to that as Lent began on February 10. Lent is a season of thoughtful awareness of self, sometimes including penance and preparation before the celebration of the memory of Christ’s rising at Easter. So there is a vast discrepancy between the two. Red is known as the color for the passion and love for and from others; and purple a somber reminder for preparation.

I think about our daily lives, our lives over a span of time, our development, and both passion and preparation are so often the woven threads that make up our being. Love, it even begins pre-birth, I think. A family member of mine and her husband have learned in recent months that they are going to have a baby. Talk about love and passion! They are so excited, as is the rest of the family. And that little one is already loved by his/her parents as well as by family. A marriage, when it occurs, brings love and celebration of love for a partnership. A friend of mine got married after many years last year, and the look on both of their faces was pure joy and excitement and love that afternoon! They’ve loved each other for years, but a marriage really solidified it and made a public record of it. I went to help a niece whose apartment had flooded a few weeks ago – again, such love we shared, although a very different kind, as we worked together to sort and make some order in all the movers had left after packing and moving her to a new apartment. Love extends us, it allows us to reach out and help, and it warms our heart. And, when lost, it brings a grief and pain like no other. Consider a woman who loses her husband, a daughter whose mother has died, a man whose fiancé has changed her mind. All of these are so painful and hard to face. And yet, one day a year we also surge with flowers, gifts, ribbons, candy, and red valentines trying to celebrate and mark our love for our closest others.

In Lent we have a different mix of love and pain. The love many have for their God, for the Christ who came to walk among us. And while that celebration comes in 40 days, the Lenten season is meant to help us remember just how blessed we are through the memory of Easter. And yet how painful the road was to that morning of joy. Have you ever dearly wanted to show another how much you love them; and yet they were unable to see that love, experience it, and take it in? Instead they turned away, they denied your relationship, or they chose to minimize the impact you have had on them? (Parents, surely you can identify with that!). Lent is that same experience of recalling denial, minimization, ways in which we fail or need to grow in life. One doesn’t have to be Christian to understand these experiences. Consider the Jewish period of introspection and atonement at Yom Kippur. Or the Islamic fasting that is an experience meant to show one’s vulnerability and neediness. All three also result in spiritual cleansing and joy of community (Korn, 2006). Perhaps by coming together we affirm perfection is not necessary, but growth and insight and love for each other are.

I would like to challenge each of you during this month of love and introspection to both love and grow. Perhaps the person you have the hardest time loving is yourself. If that is the case why not mark your desire to learn to love self by giving yourself a valentine on Sunday? Daily begin noting just how others are showing you they love you and respect you. Nobody shows you that? What about the friend who calls because they trust you to keep their confidence? Or the dog who comes to you and leans in when allowing you to pet them? Or the child who asks you for a hug? Or the elderly parent whose voice softens when they hear your voice on the phone? Or even the cashier who greets you in a friendly manner, recognizing you, and asks how you are doing? Each interaction shows a tiny bit of love coming through. One of my favorite poets is David Whyte. He speaks of love in the following way:

The true signature and perhaps even the miracle of human love is helplessness, and all the more miraculous because it is a helplessness which we wittingly or unwittingly choose; in our love of a child, a partner, a work, or a road we have to take against the odds.”
― David Whyte, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words

In this David speaks of the fact we are choosing vulnerability in love – as we choose to love someone or something by committing to it, we also allow ourselves to be hurt, to be blessed. Either way, we grow.

In a time of introspection such as a time of fasting or growth or Lenten time, we agree to enter into a time of growth as well. How are you holding yourself back from growing? Is it in being vulnerable and loving? I believe much of where I falter is essentially tied back to love. If I don’t trust, if I withhold, if I don’t take the time to learn, even if I don’t take the time to play, and instead live in fear or shame, I am not loving myself. I am withholding love and thus growing. I am refusing to develop my talents or understandings and thus shutting out potential love and growth. So as I face this Lenten period, my challenge to myself is to allow myself to grow and see through writing and reading the books I can put off as they might bring up growth. And in that pain, but eventually love. You might want to consider this as well, Christian, Jew, or Muslim, and regardless of your choice of spiritual walk. These are the books I plan to use:

The Four Elements by John O’Donohue (http://www.amazon.com/Four-Elements-Reflections-John-ODonohue/dp/0307717607/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1455211647&sr=1-1&keywords=the+four+elements+john+o%27donohue )

Lent and Easter Wisdom from Henri J.M.Nouwen by Judy Bauer (http://www.amazon.com/Lent-Easter-Wisdom-Henri-Nouwen/dp/0764812866/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1455211540&sr=1-1&keywords=lent+and+easter+wisdom )

The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life by Janet Conner. (http://www.amazon.com/The-Lotus-Lily-Beautiful-Abundant/dp/1573245860)

May you find a sense of love for self, experience love from others and allow yourself to take it in, and have moments of introspection that are meaningful to you in the next 30 days.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!