Thoughts on love.

Recently I had the opportunity to see a part of the country I’d never seen before, the southeast, more specifically, a part of North Carolina. There was a wedding I had great joy in attending, and had a part of my longing for Ireland assuaged…through the friendliness of the people and the beauty in the deep green foliage.  The wedding was so incredibly beautiful in its simplicity that it allowed the love of the couple and the family to truly be hallmark.  So often the love can be secondary to the pomp; although true love shines through if one looks to see it.  As we flew home I had the quiet time to ponder what I had witnessed. In doing so I realized I’d seen love throughout the trip.

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There are likely thousands of definitions of love. Surprisingly, perhaps, I am using a definition by C.S. Lewis for this article: “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”.  At weddings we see affection, but when we can really sit back and watch people over time, we are treated, in specially gifted moments, to glimpses of one acting for another’s ultimate good, as Lewis defined love.  That weekend I saw affectionate love, a mother with her near-toddler away from the group so that he could exercise his need to move and explore. A groom gently stroking his bride’s hand during the ceremony. A mother and father watching their daughter lovingly and then searching for reassurance later that she was included and embraced as family and in family when not near them.  All of these both affectionate, for they each were affected by and with the person of their love; but also reflecting Lewis’s definition that love truly seeks and wishes for the other’s overarching best. The health of the child, the peace in the bride, and the true well-being of the daughter.

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Brene Brown, whose work I find challenging in deep ways each time I hear her words or meditate upon a sentence in one of her books, said “Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect”.  I believe she is speaking of the same love Lewis did. And that weekend I saw the same bride able to be silly and later play spoons with the musicians. Even the musicians, all family and friends, though talented, had safety to be themselves and not have to play or sing perfectly. Such a fun evening!  A friend of the couple willingly made childlike faces with his friends, and walked a little girl around umpteen times to explore and quench her thirst for experience. The mother of the groom stepped back in love and then later reached out to her son in true love for him.  Did each lose something? Yes, but they also gained something bigger in sharing their love. In wanting the best for the other, and in doing so imperfectly and courageously.

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How do you love yourself? On a hike to some waterfalls I enjoyed many, many moments of laughter and sharing with our small group of merry middle-aged folk and one young couple brave enough to venture out with us. (And I’m so glad they did! So much fun to see them together as family and enjoying what for them was one more hike, for me the opportunity to revel in the love they share.)  Yet there was another inner part of me aware of less inner judgment of others, of myself.  Yet I still felt challenged to stop any negative chatter about myself, how I walked, looked, even interacted. At one time in my life I recall this inner chatter wearing me down long before the hike did. But this time I found myself probably at my most self-accepting, able to just pace myself, laugh with others, push on another 20 steps up from Triple Falls, and enjoy the people, the views, the majesty of the mountains and falls, the grandeur of the old and so very tall trees, and the love of the couples surrounding me as each helped the other in some way over the course of a couple of hours.

So this summer I want to challenge each of you to look and really see what is around you. Particularly the love that wants for the well-being of the other, and sometimes in the special presence of affection as well. Do not look only for the love of affection, but also the tougher to find-that love which, over time, allows for courage to be imperfect.  You must, however, start with the courage to be imperfect yourself.  You don’t have to be a concert pianist, in love playing the spoons is quite enough and more beautiful! You don’t have to climb Everest, sometimes hiking in a group of middle-aged or just inexperienced hikers is plenty because it’s time with family. So I want you to grab a pen and paper and fill in the following three blanks for your summer wholeness:

Today I have the courage to acknowledge this piece of imperfection in myself ___________ (name some part that is hard for you to accept) and I promise myself to share it with someone who loves me enough to want for my well-being as far as it can be attained. This person is _____________ .

Today I took the time to appreciate love and beauty around me when I ______________ (where you were or what you were doing).  And I am grateful to have observed love in _____________ (name the situation).

And today through the above I opened myself to take a step beyond fear, into self-love, out to experience love of other, and I showed love and desire for their ultimate well-being to ____________.

Wow! Look at you now! You are closer, even by a bit, to playing the spoons, making a silly face, and being an example of imperfect, courageous, authenticity and love. As John Lennon said: “Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life”. And I believe that is all right back to what C.S. Lewis said happens when we love through a steady wish, a hope, a strongly and long held wish for the ultimate well-being for the other.

4/10/16 A Sunday Afternoon’s Thoughts about Life

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It’s been an interesting Sunday thus far – especially for Phoenix in mid-April. We’ve had a wonderful day of cloudy skies, rain, a little thunder, mixed with a slight breeze all resulting in the perfect setting for a lazy day of relaxation. I don’t find I do that often enough – so often I’m on to the next thing, and like all of us, there is always something. But I’ve enjoyed today and want to share some of the musings I’ve had as I’ve rambled through my day.

First, I took the time to actually look around – see what was happening in the window next to me, take a walk outside and see what the yard was like, look after a potting project I’m in the middle of, and generally enjoy what was around me and how the rain was changing the hues, tone, and feeling of the environment. It was peacefully quiet, yet with the patter of some rain drops, and the freshness of the cleansed air and space.

 

After puttering I found my mind then called to travel through possible travel plans, what might I want to see? What rivers to cruise? How to see Ireland through a new lens on the next trip? What is available? And what is my soul searching for in the trip. It was a few hours of looking at many different ways to new parts of the world, life, and my inside longings for what this could be. Where would you go? Would you peruse Ireland? Or might it be Yosemite? Or climbing over rocks and ice as a friend did to reach a new summit on her birthday last weekend? She literally scaled new heights for her and the pictures are astonishingly beautiful. Then I considered a trip I hope to make to Colorado this summer. A small weekend venture – but what could that trip be in addition to a wonderful time with a family member? So while my world was first around what was happening around me, the day moved into the world at large – what more do I want to see, learn, do, and experience? We don’t often think about these things and then take time to get more specific and even specific enough to look at the actual ventures available. The wanderings the Internet allows make this so easy – and enjoyable for quiet days.

That brought me to considering my own inner life and where my thoughts were going so often lately, that of what brings purpose and meaning to life as we age? That’s a question popping up around me so often lately, and as I ponder it with others, I also ponder it within. I tend to turn to a few of my favorites for thoughts to provoke me when I want to go deeper and so I spent an hour or two looking at Brene` Brown’s thoughts and watching some TED talks. I also was brought to the thoughts of John O’Donohue not by my own process but through a friend who had posted something to me via message at Facebook and which I just opened today. So I wanted to share some for you if you are wondering about aging, what holds us back, and why in the world we think we must be all such perfect creatures. I would encourage you to view one or more of these sites:

Maria Shriver’s website on which she posts a chapter from a book I’m ordering next today on the prime of our lives. This is a chapter written by Brene`, and the photos by the editor and photographer of the book are incredible: http://mariashriver.com/blog/2016/04/prime-book-brene-brown-courage-vulnerability-peter-freed/?utm_source=Current+Users&utm_campaign=6c8a4c7de2-April_8_Send_Out_4_8_2016&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_53bf79976c-6c8a4c7de2-36077549&mc_cid=6c8a4c7de2&mc_eid=255d798934

Two fascinating TED talks by individuals who are no more special or gifted than the rest of us – but who truly have a depth of spirit and character many of us neglect to develop. First, Karen Gaffney on why all lives matter at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwxjoBQdn0s&app=desktop and then Jess Thom’s courageous and challenging talk about what it’s like to have Tourette’s Disorder and what she is trying to change in the world: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jmTlQld2Z8&nohtml5=False What these 3 women have sparked in me today is a commitment to actually push my own limits. I tend to think big and move slowly.

And this leads me to the last part of my day – the poem by O’Donohue that a friend shared entitled “For Longing”. In it he certainly addresses what is true for me, and for so many of us I believe. He speaks of how much our soul is called to – and how challenging it can be to follow the road necessary to reach it. So when I think about my day thus far – and this is frankly true of any day we face – I have to ask myself, what do I need to do today to take a step toward the actions, goals, dreams, and hopes of my own soul?. Did the processes, experiences, and time I took on the activities today move me forward? Or did I stay stuck, and if I’ve felt that, did I enjoy what was in front of me, did I reach out when I needed to, and did I even notice and take time with those around me?

Today? Today I can say yes, from the above to enjoying time with Murphy throughout many of these excursions, I was present in my life, I enjoyed what I did, and I explored areas of thought and the future that will help me move forward. Tomorrow, well that’s a new day! I’ll do my best to do the same in new ways.

Now, how about you? What can you do today toward your future?