Senior Isolation and Loneliness Part 2

Last time we looked at Senior isolation, loneliness and depression for our loved ones who are living on their own, or maybe even with you. But, what about those in assisted living? How can they feel isolated when there are other people around them? How can they feel lonely when they are almost never alone? Loneliness among the elderly is not merely a lack of companionship; it’s the absence of meaningful connections that once defined their daily lives. If they don’t feel truly connected to or supported by the people around them, being with them may not provide enough fulfillment to combat loneliness. They may no longer have the relationships that once meant so much to them.

It’s difficult to watch a loved one navigate the waters of loneliness and depression. And loneliness and depression in seniors has some health risks associated with it, including heart disease and stroke. And for those with heart failure, the risk of emergency room visits, or hospitalization increases. So, what can we do to help the people we love deal with these feelings. Keeping a senior active and engaged might seem challenging, especially if you live far away or if your loved one is living with health, cognitive, or mobility limitations. So, what can we do to help? Try some of the following:

• Call them: use the phone, Zoom, or a video phone call.
  Regular contact with loved ones, even phone calls, FaceTime, or Zoom, can help an older adult maintain social connections. If your loved one struggles with technology, a professional caregiver can help with set-up and troubleshooting to get them going.
• Help them feel needed and valued.
  Depression in the elderly sometimes stems from feeling unwanted or not valued. Ask for input or assistance from your loved one — even if they live far away. They will thrive and appreciate the opportunity to assist.
• Participate in favorite activities.
  Find activities you both enjoy, and plan times together to do them. Stay connected through regular visits, weekend dinners, baking cookies, card games, evening walks, or grandchildren’s sporting events. These activities can go a long way toward preventing isolation and depression.
• Create opportunities for companionship.
  Encourage your older loved one to safely engage in activities with community groups, religious organizations, and senior centers to provide opportunities to meet new friends and socialize. If they are in assisted living, they may have planned activities there in which your loved one can participate. If they are living alone, hiring a companion can sometimes help.

But what if this loneliness becomes something more: depression. Depression can be a vicious circle for those who already feel lonely; causing a low mood or lack of motivation which makes it very difficult for them to spend time with others. When they withdraw from others, the feelings of loneliness can increase. This can in turn deepen depression. And the lack of interaction with others may cause other health issues such as: Alzheimer’s, dementia, or other cognitive health problems. Watch for the signs of depression: feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep or appetite, and thoughts of suicide.

If you suspect your loved one is suffering from depression, talk with them. Let them know they are not alone. If the depression is serious, suggest they see a doctor for medication, or that they speak with a therapist. Offer to go with them to the doctor if they are afraid to go alone. Support them as they take the steps to improve their lives.

Deepening: Thoughts to Consider

Deepening…the word for 2020 that we are using at The Wholeness Institute.  Angie and I spent a good deal of time on brainstorming and planning what we want to accomplish in 2020, and deepening resonated with our goals and, hopefully, with yours.  Deepening has many meanings…

            ~To become more profound

            ~To enhance

            ~To strengthen

            ~Powering up

            ~Living more deeply into something – a relationship, spirituality, one’s inner self

            ~Living with purpose

            ~Leaning into experience

            ~Result of transformation.

When I think of it in terms of my counseling practice, I think of it as being present to others as they grow, as they go within themselves more to the discover who they are. Witnessing each person transform parts of him or herself that may no longer fit or has caused pain.  It’s being privileged to be with a person as they are leaning into their gifts, owning them, allowing themselves to become better acquainted and experience life more deeply as well as broadly.  Broadly alone isn’t enough, though, if we want to feel connected with others, with those most special to us, to ourselves.  This isn’t so new, if you go back to the Quakers, the mindfulness writers, those who are Jungian in thought, there are many books and articles written.  We hope that at the end of 2020, the first year of our new decade, you feel that you have received direction or ideas from me that have resulted in deepening your life and experiences more completely. 

Toward that we are restarting, adjusting, and adding some offerings, and welcome you to ask questions, reach out as you are called to deepen in during this year, or share with me how we can help you in your process throughout the year.  We are still working with many of the same populations and with similar issues, but with a slightly revised focus as we walk into 2020.  Rather than just teaching, or counseling, I hope to experience a deepening of my practice, and Angie’s work here, so that you are able to find a deeper sense of who you are and perhaps how things have moved forward in your life. So, we will be working in the next month to begin adjusting things in the following ways:

~ We will offer two blogs a month – one about a change or addition to your knowledge or understanding of what the field of psychology and spirituality are understanding today.  So perhaps an update on how yoga is used; a new treatment method for brain injury or depression; or even just a new idea to try to keep life balanced. The second will offer deeper content such as journaling exercises, ways to make your growth more experiential, and allow you the opportunity to move a tiny or larger step forward.

~As some of you know I have a new puppy – Finley.  We are going to add Instagram back with a focus on Finley’s Corner, lessons he is learning, that we also can learn from.  As an example, a lesson he learned after Christmas family celebrations? We all need rest after a long day. Look for an Instagram link soon!

~More days of retreat and mornings of information.  There are two we are looking at now, in addition to two in conjunction with others we have been invited to or are co-offering.

March 7 – Unfolding to Yourself:  Understanding Self and Spirit

May 16 – Professionals with Brain Injury:  Couples Facing Change

~Watch for the addition of concierge counseling services soon both for brain injury and personal growth clients – with special information pages, some case management built-in for no additional charge, consults with other professionals on your behalf, priority scheduling to meet your schedule, and other tips or help.

~More teletherapy appointments available to you.

So, as you are beginning your new year, here’s a deepening question for you to consider and write about:  What do I need to do to lean into my own life more fully? Write for 10 minutes and stop. Step away from the writing for a few moments.  Reread it and write down one action step to take or new awareness you have.  It might be set a reminder to write tonight before retiring for 10 minutes.  It might be to spend 5 minutes of your walk in silence, not talking with anyone with you, but taking in what you are seeing.  It might be saying a prayer or writing a prayer to your Higher Power tonight at bedtime.  Then go – live your life as it is unfolds today (including football and friends).  Begin each day with this – and just watch your life transform and deepen this year.

With care and encouragement to dare to dive more deeply into who you are,

Dr. Beth

In my own deepening understanding of myself
I find my capacity to serve others is deepened as well.
The better I am at self–care
the more genuinely nurturing of others I am able to be.
– Mary Anne Radmacher

The Grip of Anxiety: How to Find Relief

The room is too hot. I’m worried. I just need to go back to sleep. But I’m so anxious. Is that the sun peeking up already? I feel like I’m a ball of nerves. My pillow needs fluffing, my neck is sore. Should I just get up and try to be productive? But I’m so tired, and my mind won’t stop. Is the air working? It’s really quiet in here. Mind, why won’t you let me sleep? I’ll roll over and see if that helps…. Maybe I should paint my bedroom. But what color? Shhh brain, tomorrow. Let’s sleep tonight.

It can be a battle, can’t it? You enter your bedroom and catch sight of your bed and instead of seeing it as an inviting place you can’t wait to retire to, it looms large in your mind, knowing that with nightfall your worries invade the space that needs peace and rest. Something small can become large in the darkness of night; causing you worry and angst that in the light of day you realize is manageable and not something worth the cycle of sleeplessness.

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which have never happened.”

-Mark Twain

Sleep is one of the biggest areas affected by anxiety, but it can wreak havoc on your whole day, not only because of the exhaustion but other times it takes you by surprise, a simple text, email or phone call is enough to set you spinning. Other times that pit of fear and worry holds you by the hand all day each day. So how to get through it? Read on about a few ways to help regain control of our minds and the way we process perceived trouble or worries.

Breathing. It seems like such an automatic process, that we shouldn’t have to think about it. And we don’t for mere survival, but for optimal health this needs to be step one. But does it really work? Truly, it does, it’s proven. The studies are out there, and they are numerous, a quick google give you plenty of hits, among them is this one if you’d like to read more: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/stress-raising-your-blood-pressure-take-a-deep-breath-201602159168 The breathing exercise I most often recommend is by Dr. Andrew Weil called the Relaxing Breath or 4-7-8 breathing. The process is illustrated here, https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/breathing-exercises-4-7-8-breath/. The idea behind this breathing, and others, is to slow down the heart rate, and reset the body. It also stops the panic and anxiety attacks. If you can’t breathe out as long as 7 or 8, start lower and work your way up. Whatever exercise you choose to follow, the idea is—if the exhale is longer than the inhale, the heart rate slows, and your blood pressure lowers. I encourage you to try this and let me know how it works for you.

Meditation. It’s regarded as a big word that packs plenty of punch. Often thought of as too ‘out there’, the practice is simply about quieting the mind. And, in an anxious state, quieting the mind is exactly what we are trying to do. The easiest way to start? An app. There are plenty to choose from for your phone or tablet that will walk you through the techniques. My favorite at the moment is called Insight Timer because it is free. There is a membership you can purchase but there are lots of tools that come with the free usage, including a specific ‘coping with anxiety’ section. This is only one of many, to find a few others too consider, take a look at my website under ‘links’ to see them listed.

These are just two ideas to get you going. Other ideas I strongly encourage as they support brain changes are coloring mandalas, walking a labyrinth, or doing a finger labyrinth. There is a simple app for this called Labyrinth Journey by Mount Mojo.  These allow spirituality to enter your processes as well to calm your anxiety. And for a few outside of the box ideas, these suggestions could be fun, and would be an experience you’re unlikely to forget. Cuddling a cow? Who would have guessed? See: Cow cuddling. Or: Cat cafes. Therapy dogs. Hug therapy. And don’t forget the outdoors and how great it is for the mind: Head out on a hike.

The moral of this story? If you’re feeling anxiety, there ARE ways to help yourself. Try one or more of the ideas above, talk to a friend, family member, or therapist.  If none of these ideas work, including therapy, then know that there are also excellent homeopathics and medications with minimal side effects that do help.

Wishing you a restful night’s sleep and anxiety-free days,

Take care,

Dr. Beth

PTSD: Feel like yourself again

“It felt like a malignant tumor that was spreading through my entire life. It was a jumble of fear, depression, anxiety, irritability, and feeling jumpy all at once and it stayed with me day and night. I didn’t want to see my family and friends, and didn’t want to talk about it—what if they thought I was crazy?” This isn’t a quote from any single source, it’s the story of many. About 8 million adults have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in a year. Have you, or someone you love, gone through a shocking and dangerous event?

PTSD often connotes images of fatigue wearing military, veterans, and first responders. Those are certainly prolific examples of people who have faced trauma and tragedy, but they are only the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Traumatic events happen to any number of people, any number of ways, on any given day. “Trauma” may be one big event like a house fire, a car accident, or an assault, or it could be a series of events– like a prolonged life-altering illness, an abusive situation, or even the act of being a caregiver. While the circumstances of trauma are wide and varied, the physical manifestations of the trauma can look quite similar.

It is typical to experience the above in the days and even weeks following the trauma, but if they continue, it’s time to reach out for help. Psychotherapy does work, sometimes therapy alone is enough and sometimes it is partnered with medications for the most effective treatment. There are a number of approaches therapists can use to help you process the feelings you’re experiencing, see the areas that the intrusive thoughts are holding you back, and help you move on to a fulfilling life once again. As a supplementary technique, music therapy has also shown to be very effective for helping those with PTSD.

If you or someone you know isn’t progressing in life after trauma, reach out for help. There is hope, and you can regain control of your life. For more information on PTSD and how we at The Wholeness Institute can help, visit https://www.thewholenessinstitute.com/ptsdtherapy.html

Why? Why Not?

In a week like this one, with the deaths and massive injuries in Las Vegas, I hear “why” even more than usual.  But I often hear “why” with those I have the privilege to serve who have and are suffering the impact of severe accidents, those who are so bright and have such positive futures ahead of them and now have head injuries and the recovery is stalled.  I speak with those who have cancer, or whose loved ones have it and are dying.  I speak with people who simply wonder why they haven’t been able to change something they have wanted to so badly.  And truth be told, I also ask myself this at times.

And yet, the truth is, why not me?  What do I think is so special about me, that bad life experiences should not happen?  I remember hearing someone share this very sentiment a few years ago, and wish I could find the source for it.  But I do remember as a younger woman voicing a question of why and someone saying why not you, and I was angered.  It felt like an attack.  I do not mean it in that way at all, and likely that person did not either.  But I do think we need to ask it in the way Eric Church did this week in his sharing and new song “Why Not Me”.  Take the time to listen to him, please, at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqCYKFXfRb0 .

As individuals we each need to struggle with this internally and in conversation when the most difficult life events occur around us.  The times we are called upon to rally all of our support and face that most difficult experience in life that we are uncertain we can handle, i.e.:  loss of a loved one, rejection by a spouse or significant other, life threatening illness, end of life, traumatic head injury, life changing event that requires we reconstruct our lives thoroughly, or even an internal life-time struggle that seems impossible to change, each call for specific actions and resources.

Therapeutically we would suggest a person sit with the feelings, see what is really in front and within, and breathe through the feelings.  Journal, draw what is within, in some way allow oneself to face it.  In doing so, we increase awareness rather than run; allow movement of the pain or shame or fear rather that avoid it; and, in the end we are in a new place and not pushed to addiction – money, food, alcohol, work, or drugs; but rather, we regain center.  The same concept is suggested by Pema Chodron in the “no more struggle” meditation.  However, she sticks with breathing and returning, breathing and returning, until the strong feelings are reduced and one is able to face what is going on outside oneself or within and allow it without judgment.  Only then, she says, can the issue or feeling be resolved.  From a Christian perspective, Fr. Thomas Keating would say it is called prayer or centering or contemplative prayer, all with a focus of resting in God.

After we have done this, only after, can we move forward and know how to pick up our feet and keep moving.  Taking the next step ahead in life, but taking it as we move into life, not retreat from it.  A young man mentioned to me something I had hear others say – that a friend instead wanted to retreat and not go out and keep living after the Las Vegas shootings.  After this week his friend had decided to go to no more concerts, events, etc.  His friend, and others I’ve heard say similar things, are not moving through to keep living.  They are stuck in the fear and anger; and have no way to move through into life.  Action is important – freezing and being stuck is not healthy and builds walls, not bridges.

Bridges are very important in life and in moving forward when a huge life event hits us and makes us ask why, or why not, me.  I had never read the poem “The Bridge” by Robert Wadsworth Longfellow until pondering this topic.  I came across it and it is so very rich with metaphor and meaning, but I’m going to take a few stanzas out to focus on in this article.  He says after many years of nights when he went to the bridge when life seemed so difficult and he watched the tide go in and out:

How often, O, how often,

In the days that had gone by,

I had stood on that bridge at midnight

And gazed on that wave and sky!

For my heart was hot and restless,

And my life was full of care,

And the burden laid upon me

Seemed greater than I could bear.

But now it has fallen from me,

It is buried in the sea.

As I read this I thought how often we do have experiences in life that give us pause to think.  We may walk our neighborhoods, much like Mr. Longfellow did when he went to ponder near a bridged waterway.  And if we walk, meditate, ponder, pray, stay with our feelings and thoughts we cross a bridge as we put down our cares.  We no longer carry the feelings of pain, terror, shame, or anxiety.  And so we can move forward into life.  We can move forward despite the fact bad things still happen to good people, life does fall apart at times, cancer ravages bodies, brain injuries can significantly change one’s life direction.  And yet, as author and speaker Jonathan Lockwood Huie says, “The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow”.  Don’t miss your bridge – go seek it out as Mr. Longfellow did, as the young man in my office did, as Eric Church, Pema Chodron, and Fr. Keating have all done.  Calm, serenity, release, God, hope for a new tomorrow are all there once you do.

 

 

Hope in the Midst of Difficulty

~Beth Sikora, PhD

Love recognizes no barriers.  It jumps hurdles,

Leaps fences, penetrates walls to

Arrive at its destination full of hope.

~Maya Angelou

Someone suggested that I write about hope this week.  I must admit that as I sat down to think about it all I could think of was what the past week or two held:

• Hurricane Harvey in Texas;
• Hurricane Irma in Florida, Georgia, and other southeastern states as well as the islands are Barbuda, St. Martin, the Virgin Islands, and others;
• The memory of 9/11/01;
• The repeal of DACA and then the actions since hinged to the “wall” between the US and Mexico; and lastly;
• Suicide prevention week that was from 9/10-9/16 this year;
• The hacking of Equifax.

Is it any wonder the person suggested hope?  It can feel fleeting and difficult to hold onto, can’t it?

So what is hope, anyway?  Above I shared some pictures that I believe bring and remind us of hope, and perhaps the magic of a picture can speak to weary hearts today.

 

According to Scioli & Biller (2010) HOPE is a combination:

• Mastery of feeling one can take care of a situation and/or get the help to do so PLUS
• Attachment or the ability to connect with others PLUS
• Survival or having the tools to get through tough times PLUS
• Positive future or looking forward to something in the future PLUS
• Spirituality of some kind rather than a sense of being rudderless in the sea PLUS
• Non-spiritual which is the ability to reach out to what is all around and within you.

When we have all of this, we truly have HOPE.  As Emily Dickinson said:  “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.

 

Recommended Reading:  The One-Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie

You’ll Get Through This  by Max Lucado

The Book of Hope by Birgitta Jonsdottir

 

Reference:

Scioli, A. & Biller, H.B.  (2010).  The power of hope.  Deerfield Beach, FL:  Health Communications, Inc.

Highlight on Health; The Whole You

As the flu virus spreads throughout our nation and wellness is a goal for many of us, I thought today I’d consider health in a broader sense, and the benefits of some alternative therapies. How is your back feeling? Have those migraines started up again? Did you just have your first hot flash? Or perhaps it’s a pulled ligament from a workout? Seems we all face physical aches and pains at times and often we can’t figure out from whence they came.

One of the guiding principles from which The Wholeness Institute was born was the need to care for a person as a whole–physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Many of us have gotten a handle on one area of life to find the other areas amiss. It seems a constant struggle to balance all areas.

Philosophers, psychologists, medical doctors, and healers have for centuries argued and theorized about whether the body and mind can and/or should be separated. It seems current research is proving what many have theorized–the body does affect the mind and the mind affects the body. Many, if not most, sexual abuse survivors will tell you of migraines, stomach problems, chronic fatigue and the pain of fibromyalgia. MRI’s are now showing us that early neglect or lack of nurturing prevents neural connections from being made. Chiropractic physicians are able to clear emotions through kinesiological interventions in some cases. Body and mind are intimately connected.

In addition to considering psychological care there are many avenues of care now able to adjunct and even quicken therapeutic results. From optometric to chiropractic to neurological to psychopharmacological to herbs to massage–the possibilities are endless. Here is a brief review of some of the therapies available today.

Chiropractic and Kinesiology can both offer help for not only sore backs but sore minds. Boris Pasternak in Doctor Zhivago so eloquently discussed the body/mind connection years ago:

“The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant, systematic duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune. Our nervous system isn’t just a fiction, it’s a part of our physical body, and our soul exists in space and is inside us, like the teeth in our mouth. It can’t be forever violated with impunity.”

Although many of us aren’t able to understand exactly how these sciences work, it is clear that kinesiology is able to bridge between the physical body and the emotions.

Nutrition is an area absolutely essential to our overall state of well-being but is one many find difficult to manage. High fat, low carbohydrate, no sugar, low sugar, no fat, low calorie, gluten free, and vegan are all types of diets most of us have watched cycle through in terms of popularity and nutritional value. It’s important that the person you are working with evaluate your body type, ancestry, and emotional habits to best prescribe an eating plan.

Massage is often thought to be for “special occasions” or pampering. In actuality, it is a wonderful method to treat not only muscular aches but remove toxins, increase energy, and encourage body systems to work more effectively. In addition, the impact on anxiety and stress are profound.

Aromatherapy also offers scents for health! Try some vanilla or lavender candles or oils next time you’re depressed. Lemon and peppermint can increase energy. And rose can increase passion. There is a reason for the recent trend in use of essential oils – consider it next time you’re stressed or not feeling well.

Optometry has therapies such as vision and academic to assist in strengthening not only eye muscles but also address early developmental deficits. Many children, as well as traumatic brain injury survivors, are being found to also have eye coordination problems which can now be identified and treated.

Medicine: We have to remember that many cases of depression are actually due to medical problems such as hormonal imbalances, thyroid disorders, sleep disorders, and neurological impairments. In most cases we consider this in every intake and ask if depression or anxiety have worsened. But it’s important to also recall this when your physician asks questions or wants to evaluate your mood. Working together we can provide better, more integrated, care.

Integrated health providers are abounding. In fact, in a recent search for concierge doctors I discovered a vast majority of those who came up in the Google search were actually integrated health providers. These individuals, regardless of naturopathic, osteopathic, homeopathic, or traditional medical backgrounds also focused on the methods above as well as herbal treatments, eye color and characteristics, homeopathic treatments, and in some cases even spiritual care. Further evidence that as our health issues increase in the US, as well as the more we understand the head/heart and body/mind connections, the more we are considering balanced care from various methods and sources. These are but a few of the treatments available to you which we’ve found to be powerful adjunctive therapies to psychotherapy. With more awareness and a bit of perseverance we can heal both our body and our mind. Wynona Judd said a few years ago: “I learned again the mind-body-spirit connection has to be in balance”. So, too, must we consider our care providers and methods of treatment.

Post-holiday Blues or Are You Feeling Unattached?

The holidays are over. Lights taken down, decorations packed away, candles blown out. And you’re feeling blue. Many folks experience a case of the “blues” after the six weeks of holiday energy from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. But, feelings of depression, isolation, anxiety or simply “feeling down” that are intense or that last for more than a couple of weeks can be symptoms  of a more serious problem–depression.

Frequently the holidays bring to the surface long avoided feelings of loneliness, discouragement or dissatisfaction with family relationships. You may find you feel disconnected from others, that you don’t count, or that no one cares for you. Often food, music and work are used to push away those feelings. But in bed, late at night, you’re aware of the feelings again.

It is important to determine whether your “blah” feelings are due to a physical cause, are temporary, or are a symptom of depression. If your physician gives you a clean bill of health then it’s time to consider emotional reasons for depression. If left untreated, depression can lead to health, career or family problems. In the most severe cases suicide is also possible.

But, which is it, holiday blues or depression?

Generally the holiday blues will resolve with no extra effort within a few weeks. While you may feel sad, tired or distressed, you are able to handle everyday activities and responsibilities.

Depression is more intense than the “blues”. There are several symptoms of depression and they last two weeks or more and interfere with your daily life. What used to be enjoyable may now feel like a burden. In fact, getting out of bed in the morning may be more than you can handle some days. Other warning signs are:

-Feelings of emptiness, guilt, hopelessness or despair

-Lack of energy–even after eight hours of sleep

-Changes in eating and sleeping patterns

-Feeling irritable and overwhelmed–life seems to be too much

-Difficulty concentrating

-Memory loss

The good news is that depression IS treatable.

Many people are unaware that depression is the number one illness in America. Unfortunately, many of those suffering from it, or close to one who is depressed, are also unaware it is very treatable. Up to 80% of those who finally seek help are helped.

Often we believe we must keep a stiff upper lip and not ask for help for depression. It may be considered a sign of weakness to ask. But the fact is depression is not helped by just ‘thinking positively”. Professional intervention is often necessary. Treatment for depression is multi-faceted.

First, see a therapist for a complete evaluation. We use the Hamilton Depression Inventory to assess the severity of a client’s depression and to plan treatment. Consider help from anti-depressants or herbal treatment as an adjunct to therapy. Recent studies have indicated that therapy along with anti-depressants is more effective than anti-depressants alone. Then, increase physical activity as exercise allows the body to produce more endorphines which increases mood. Minimize the amount of sugar and flour you eat as these foods increase depression. Finally, get adequate but not excessive rest–six to nine hours per night.

If you are experiencing simply the post-holiday blues then following “Blues Busters” shown below may be helpful.

Blues Busters

-Partner with a friend to hold each other accountable to do one thing you’ve avoided. Build on that success.

-Listen to your heart. Do you need time with a friend, a funny movie, or a day with a child?

-Often depression is anger turned inward. Consider forgiving yourself!

-Take care of your physical needs. Set reasonable goals and develop a way to achieve them.

-Plan an outing for March when it’s warmer!

 

Keep up hope.  Help *is* available if you need it!

 

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune, without the words, and never stops at all”
— Emily Dickinson

Grieving the loss of a pet companion

Quite often I work with people who are experiencing grief and loss in their lives. I’ve dealt with the loss of my own parents among other losses, but until this past month I had not had to deal with the death of a beloved dog of mine. True, a year ago a friend who rents a room from me lost her 14-year-old dog, and that hit close to home as I’d come to love that furry friend. And earlier this year a dog for whom I’d been the surrogate mom for a number of years and then become my sister’s loved furry friend died. And that left a hole. But in late October my boy, Punky, died at the age of 13 following a rapid decline from liver cancer. Diagnosed one day, gone the next. And with his death I came directly, shockingly, abruptly, and painfully to the beginning of learning to cope with the loss of my dear companion and co-therapist. When I’ve worked with others who have struggled with coming to terms with the loss of a pet I’ve had compassion for their loss. The symptoms, to many people’s surprise, are much the same as any loss, and often as or more significant than the loss of a friend or family member. Why? Because the pet companion offers a more unconditional love than many of us humans are capable of with each other. A friend put it in this way recently to me, “I don’t think it’s any mistake that dog and God are spelled with the same three letters and are mirror-opposites in spelling.” Also, often the pet, as was true with Punky, was a witness to my life and activities. I was fortunate enough to also work with him for years. So we had a regular routine and joint comings and goings. He could predict nearly my every move. This is true for many pet-lovers of any length of time, there is a sync to our lives and activities and the loss of this is a unique loss to other types of loss. One step in healing is often to memorialize our fur baby in some way. I chose to write a letter to Punky that expressed my feelings about him and our life together. Here are a few snippets from it:

You walked into my life unsought.

You captured my heart in a moment.

So swiftly, surely, unblinkingly.

A little fuzzy pooh with eyes

That warmed, snuggled in, said so confidently,

“You’re mine. Take me home.”

And I did.

You grew, you jumped, you ran.

You, dearest Punky, taught me searching is ok.

Laughter comes from simple actions.

Joy comes with love.

You also taught me, dearest Punky, love means terror for your safety,

Sacrifice at the most inconvenient of times.

Confidence it would all somehow work out.

As my co-therapist you helped me to wait,

To slow down, move carefully.

Sometimes my clients grew not

From my actions or knowledge or words.

But from you. Your unconditional regard.

You often drew them out –

Helped them relax. Then let me work.

Protected.

I miss your gentle, soft kisses, my dear Punky.

Your tongue that licked so gently to say

“I love you” and “Good morning! Let’s go!!!”

You going up from floor to foot stool to couch.

One fluid movement.

Through you, Punky, my ability

To give love goes on.

Dearest boy, run pain free now.

You can see Punky had much influence on me. I hope to use this to urge anyone grieving the loss of a pet to reach out. Talk to a friend. Make a memorial of your own to your pet. Count the ways you’ve been loved and loved and feel the loss. Honor that relationship. Just a dog? A cat? Another pet? No, I think not. Honor your companion and all that means to you. Only through working through your feelings and dealing with all the small and large changes their passing has brought to your life can you be free to love again. If you need help most humane societies, the ASPCA, some hospices (like Hospice of the Valley), and other related places offer grief support materials and groups. It’s ok. As we know, our friend is free to run in health and we will be free to love in health again.

Dr. Beth

(Punky worked side-by-side with Dr. Beth for most of his 13 years. Many clients have also grieved his passing as they have learned of it given the special work he did and love he offered. Dogs and other animals are used in many forms of therapy including psychological, medical support, occupational therapy, and equestrian therapy for special needs as well as emotional healing. If you would like to help non-profits who provide such work check your local area.)

Pathway or Highway?

I have heard two definitions of psychotherapy I’d like to consider. The first one was in a newsletter of my friend and colleague, Dr. Robin Dilley: “a journey into one’s self to help facilitate a deeper awareness about one’s self while developing a passion for living”. The second definition was provided by a psychologist working for a very large managed care firm in town: the process whereby change is made in symptoms that can be measured and that is a result of interaction between a therapist and a client. He went on to state that ideally this should be quick and not a journey on a path but rather a trip down a super highway. Hmm.

I suppose that there is truth in both definitions although those who know me can probably guess that I align myself much more along the lines of Dr. Dilley’s definition than that provided through managed care. Do we want to settle with getting rid of the stuffy nose or do we want to live a life that is challenging, health producing, and joyful? Now the truth is that our insurance policies don’t always pay for the second. After all, the insurance contract is not a personal growth policy but rather a contract that agrees to provide services to return a person to their prior level of functioning.

I urge you not to settle for your prior level of functioning. We only go through this life once, and it is our choice how we live it. To live at your prior level of functioning means that you don’t take the opportunity to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally and psychologically. It means you do choose to stay where you are. If you are on the pathway then you are choosing to see the ground beneath your feet, smell the air and the flowers around you, hear the sounds of the birds and the animals that are scuttling about. If you choose the super highway you get a fast trip with no smells, few sights and the blare of the other vehicles and their horns blowing.

This year, you can choose the pathway. In her book, “The Invitation”, Oriah Mountain Dreamer speaks of the invitation to live, to grow, to experience life. Much of what she suggests is part of the psychotherapy adventure: “I want to know you can live with failure, yours and mine.” — It is as we face our failures and our successes with another that we learn how to live with them. Psychotherapy provides this opportunity. “I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.” I would add, can you also stay in bed when you truly need to and take care of yourself? So often we take care of others but ignore ourselves.

Psychotherapy provides time and attention for our own needs and it is through taking time for oneself that one becomes available to others in a truly free and honest manner. Thus so, one can be seen in pain and not need to hide.

“I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back” is a superb description of the group experience one can have through psychotherapy. The women’s groups I have had the privilege of facilitating have born out women choosing to stand in the fire with others and bearing testimony to the pain and the growth.

“I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments”. Ah, the most profound and deeply felt successful therapeutic experience will allow you to say “YES” to this experience.

I would invite those of you currently doing your own therapy to examine your journaling, your heart, your soul to see if you are walking on the path or whether you’ve stopped to enjoy a piece of the scenery. Is it time to move on? Take that next step? Then ask your therapist for assistance with this. If you have been considering taking such a hike, I invite you to call and schedule an appointment with me. If you are already walking down this pathway, enjoy the walk and know it will lead you to further peace, further ability to stand in the fire, and deeper, more meaningful life experiences. As Oriah Mountain Dreamer says, “I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.”