Last time we looked at Senior isolation, loneliness and depression for our loved ones who are living on their own, or maybe even with you. But, what about those in assisted living? How can they feel isolated when there are other people around them? How can they feel lonely when they are almost never alone? Loneliness among the elderly is not merely a lack of companionship; it’s the absence of meaningful connections that once defined their daily lives. If they don’t feel truly connected to or supported by the people around them, being with them may not provide enough fulfillment to combat loneliness. They may no longer have the relationships that once meant so much to them.
It’s difficult to watch a loved one navigate the waters of loneliness and depression. And loneliness and depression in seniors has some health risks associated with it, including heart disease and stroke. And for those with heart failure, the risk of emergency room visits, or hospitalization increases. So, what can we do to help the people we love deal with these feelings. Keeping a senior active and engaged might seem challenging, especially if you live far away or if your loved one is living with health, cognitive, or mobility limitations. So, what can we do to help? Try some of the following:
Call them: use the phone, Zoom, or a video phone call. Regular contact with loved ones, even phone calls, FaceTime, or Zoom, can help an older adult maintain social connections. If your loved one struggles with technology, a professional caregiver can help with set-up and troubleshooting to get them going.
Help them feel needed and valued. Depression in the elderly sometimes stems from feeling unwanted or not valued. Ask for input or assistance from your loved one — even if they live far away. They will thrive and appreciate the opportunity to assist.
Participate in favorite activities. Find activities you both enjoy, and plan times together to do them. Stay connected through regular visits, weekend dinners, baking cookies, card games, evening walks, or grandchildren’s sporting events. These activities can go a long way toward preventing isolation and depression.
Create opportunities for companionship. Encourage your older loved one to safely engage in activities with community groups, religious organizations, and senior centers to provide opportunities to meet new friends and socialize. If they are in assisted living, they may have planned activities there in which your loved one can participate. If they are living alone, hiring a companion can sometimes help.
But what if this loneliness becomes something more: depression. Depression can be a vicious circle for those who already feel lonely; causing a low mood or lack of motivation which makes it very difficult for them to spend time with others. When they withdraw from others, the feelings of loneliness can increase. This can in turn deepen depression. And the lack of interaction with others may cause other health issues such as: Alzheimer’s, dementia, or other cognitive health problems. Watch for the signs of depression: feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep or appetite, and thoughts of suicide.
If you suspect your loved one is suffering from depression, talk with them. Let them know they are not alone. If the depression is serious, suggest they see a doctor for medication, or that they speak with a therapist. Offer to go with them to the doctor if they are afraid to go alone. Support them as they take the steps to improve their lives.
Following up on my last blog about the Winter Blues, I would like to address a special population directly, those who often suffer from depression the most. So, this is for anyone over the age of 60, and from one of your peers – me. I don’t particularly care for the term “elderly” so I am going to instead use senior, a term I can better identify with. There is an issue that is growing in our population, Isolation, loneliness and depression. This is a silent struggle that often goes unnoticed. Many seniors find themselves grappling with a profound sense of solitude and depression.
Aging is a natural part of life’s journey, and with it comes a myriad of changes – physical, emotional, and social. As we enter our senior years, and throughout the 40 years that make it up (60-100+), the social landscape can transform into unfamiliar terrain, and multiple times at that. Children grow up, friends move away, and the once-familiar faces may become distant memories. In this process, we can find ourselves standing on the precipice of isolation, peering into a void that threatens to engulf our sense of purpose and belonging. Loneliness is not merely a lack of companionship; it’s the absence of meaningful connections that once defined our daily lives. Social interactions that were once abundant may dwindle, leaving behind a void that cannot be easily filled.
Anyone living alone, and at any age, can face these feelings. Whether retired or working, we need to face loneliness head on. And please, if you haven’t retired yet, plan, plan, plan for it as loneliness and depression are more likely. I recall my mother struggling with meaning in her mid-60’s. It was then that she added several activities to her life: hospital volunteer; Eucharistic home-bound ministry at her church; and her ladies stretching, exercising, and friendship group. These activities carried her through her late 70’s; adding meaning, friendships, and reducing her loneliness.
If loneliness is there, but also depression, making changes may only be part of what needs to happen to get back into a good place. Feeling down occasionally, lonely, anxious, sad, or “empty” is normal. However, if these feelings persist for weeks or months, it could signify a more serious depression. Here are some signs of depression to watch for in yourself or another:
Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness,
Irritability, restlessness, or having trouble sitting still,
Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities,
Decreased energy or fatigue,
Moving or talking more slowly,
Difficulty with concentration, memory, or decision-making,
Changes in sleep habits, such as trouble falling asleep, waking up too early, or sleeping too much,
Changes in appetite
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts.
If you are facing depression, or stuck in loneliness and isolation pre-depression, please remember you are not alone. Sometimes it means reaching out to an old friend. Or, finding a new friend group or two as my mother found. Maybe taking a class in something you’ve been interested in will help. But if those things don’t help, or you checked off more than two of the first 9 symptoms above, or just the 10th, talk with your doctor as well as someone close to you.
If you know a senior who seems to be struggling and is not getting help, offer to listen and encourage them to go to their doctor. Sometimes more than a change is needed to resolve the issue. Only by addressing it with their doctor will they be able to get the medication needed to help them. And having your support may be what they need to take that step.
Both of my parents often said in their 80’s that “getting older is not for sissies.” And they are right. But dad also had his humor until the end. He celebrated every holiday, birthday, and family get-together as a special event, golfed every week – 3 times, played poker with his buddies monthly, and went to a support meeting at least twice a week. He lived. My mother lived. I watched a birthday special for Dick Van Dyke’s 98th birthday this month. His message was to keep moving …” get your living done first, and have the nerve to try something. Failure’s OK. “
So, take a risk: call the doctor; call a friend, sign up for a class; join a book group; move closer to friends or family; go to a Bible study; play poker with your buddies; learn to garden at your pace whether pots, raised bed, or in the ground; and keep moving. Finley is one of my biggest joys as my pup. Getting a dog or cat for a pet reduces depression and improves health. But take a risk…You may have to learn new ways to live at 68 or 75 or 83, as life and our bodies change. Remember my dad’s face … and keep smiling, keep getting out, and revise your activities and life as needed. As Betty White said: “Don’t try to be young. Stay interested in stuff.”
The holidays are over. Lights taken down, decorations packed away, candles blown out. Maybe you’re more aware of the brevity of our days, the darkness or grayness of the weather and short days, or the loneliness as all of the activity has ended and you’re back at work full-time. While some of this is very normal and natural, if feelings of depression, isolation, anxiety or simply “feeling down” are intense or last for more than two weeks can be a symptom of a more serious problem–depression.
Frequently the holidays bring to the surface long avoided feelings of loneliness, discouragement, or dissatisfaction with family relationships. You may find you feel disconnected from others, that you don’t count, or that no one cares for you. Often food, music, and work are used to push away those feelings. But in bed, late at night, you’re aware of the feelings again. And with no holiday to look forward to, it’s even harder to keep going.
It is important to determine whether the blues are temporary or are a symptom of depression. If it’s been more than 10-14 days, it’s time to consider emotional reasons for depression. If they are deep and/or began in November, you might also need to consider whether you have seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
Generally, the holiday blues will resolve with no extra effort within a few weeks. While you may feel sad, tired, or distressed, you are able to handle everyday activities and responsibilities. Spring may become your goal as you deal with rain or spring break is the vacation coming up. You are moving forward.
Depression is more intense than the “blues”. First, the hope in the vacation or spring or some other experience is not present. Depression is interfering with your daily life. What used to be enjoyable may now feel like a burden. In fact, getting out of bed in the morning may be more than you can handle some days.
Other warning signs are:
Feelings of emptiness, guilt, hopelessness, or despair,
Lack of energy–even after eight hours of sleep,
Changes in eating and sleeping patterns,
Feeling irritable and overwhelmed—life’s responsibilities feel crushing,
You can’t concentrate or follow through on plans, or
Memory isn’t as crisp as usual.
The good news is that depression IS treatable. Up to 80% of those who finally seek help are helped. If you have a doctor, nurse practitioner, therapist, or psychiatrist you trust, go, and talk with them about what is going on. Often, we believe we must keep a stiff upper lip and not ask for help for depression. It may be considered a sign of weakness to ask. But the fact is depression is not helped by just ‘thinking positively”. Professional intervention is often necessary, and treatment for depression may be multi-faceted.
First, see a therapist for a complete evaluation. For years studies have indicated that therapy along with anti-depressants is more effective than anti-depressants alone. Naturopaths and others also have good luck with herbal remedies many times. Then, increase physical activity as exercise allows the body to produce more endorphins which increases mood. Minimize the amount of sugar and flour you eat as these foods increase depression. Finally, get adequate but not excessive rest–six to nine hours per night. If this sounds like too much, choose one to try for the next week. If you don’t have success, then call one of the professionals I mentioned above. If you don’t know someone, ask a friend for a referral. You might also try the following:
Partnering with a friend can be very helpful during these times. Connect with a friend to hold each other accountable to do one thing you’ve avoided. Build on that success.
-Listen to your heart. Do you need time with a friend, a funny movie, or a day with a child?
-Often depression is anger turned inward. Consider forgiving yourself.
-Take care of your physical needs. Set reasonable goals and develop a way to achieve them.
-Plan an outing for March when it’s warmer and brighter. Or, consider your spring garden and what you will do with that as it warms up.
Hold onto hope. As C.S. Lewis said, “You are never too told to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” It may feel impossible today, but if you reach out to another, accept help, and don’t stop believing, you will find a clearer day ahead.
The Advent season is a time of preparation for the coming of Christmas and the reminder of the birth of Jesus. What does this mean for us in our everyday hurried lives during this busy season? To me, it is a time of peace, hope and joy. Let’s focus on the hope today. Hold onto the thought that hope will get us through. That doesn’t mean that we always get what we hope for, but that we are, in the end, always protected and strengthened to get through what comes in our lives.
Advent is a time of hope, and that can be very welcome during times of war , financial crisis, and other challenges. On some days I believe hope is one of the only things we do have (an object) and a step we can take (hope is an action). When I was at church a week or so ago this was brought home to me again by Fr. Garrett Galvin of Franciscan School of Theology. I’m sure I’ve used the word in both ways, and yet I’d not acknowledged the fact it was both action and thing, verb and noun. If one has a spiritual connection, I do believe it may be easier. But hope, in the end, is the mental or spiritual or emotional trust that something will happen or come to be in the future. I saw a picture when perusing the Internet looking for some different views of hope. The Christian view of hope at this time of Advent is that of focusing on light instead of darkness; the Judaic of Hannukah is hope in the midst of darkness. Essentially the message of hope is to trust that there will be light, brightness, change, or answers once the day is again well-lit or the time of difficulty passes.
Henri Nouwen wrote of radical hope: He wrote that it is waiting with openness and trust – (wow, hard to do!) that “something is happening for us that is far beyond our own imaginings.” I have to tell you, that is not something I can do daily – leaning far beyond into a Source, for me a source of strength from my God despite anything that I might encounter in life. I may seek to be that strong, but it is a daily choice.
And that’s the funny thing about hope, it is a choice, and it is a gift. We don’t always realize this, but it’s true. I know how hard it is to hope amid those dark seasons. When all one has hoped for or believed to be true is suddenly turned upside down, leaving us bereft, questioning the reality of all one believes or holds sacred in life or a relationship. So how to change and lean in more fully to hope?
It takes daily living in hope to finally feel it. It can be unbelievably difficult, but hope demands we keep moving before we feel it. The paradox I’ve found to be true is that I must act on hope, trusting I will eventually feel it, and by the time I do the most challenging times have finally passed. I want to feel it before and during the tough time. But while I consciously hold onto the thought of it, the feeling comes after recovery from cancer, after one has finalized the divorce on all levels and gone on to live a new life, or after one’s energy rebuilds following surgery or chemotherapy. Or has it? Isn’t hope the living – the belief things will get better…and the time we can see the results the effect of the hope? Think about how that might apply in your life. You might be surprised to find you have some hope – you’re just not acting on or living it.
Make no mistake, living a radical hope in which one believes life will improve beyond one’s expectations, is not easy. And, especially during this Advent season, lean into your Higher Power, and trust in the hope that things will get better. It will give one some modicum of peace in the moment. Despite the migraines, nausea, sleepless nights, or worried days we may also experience, hope says “but this will change and improve eventually.” So, through personal crisis, or preparation for Christmas, or through Hanukkah, or as one tends the crops before Kwanzaa–may the last weeks of Advent and December be a month of radical hope for you.
We all feel the need to be informed about important issues such as the Israeli-Hamas War. For those of you who have read posts over the years, you know that I often advocate for less news viewing than more when triggered by events and pictures. It’s important to be informed, but not to the extent it is hurting your mental health.
In today’s digital age, we have unprecedented access to information from around the world, which is generally a blessing. So, when is it too much information and how do I stay balanced Let’s delve into the results of watching too much news, especially in the context of such a complex and emotionally charged issue.
Information Overload: The continuous news cycle provides a constant stream of updates often including traumatic pictures, which can lead to information overload. Consuming an excessive amount of news can overwhelm you, leaving you feeling anxious and helpless.
Emotional Distress and Stress: The Israeli-Hamas War, like many conflicts, involves human suffering, destruction, and loss of life. Constant exposure to graphic images and distressing stories can lead to emotional distress, compassion fatigue, and desensitization.
Neglecting Personal Well-being: Consuming too much news can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. It can consume your thoughts, impacting your relationships, work, sleep, and overall quality of life.
Helplessness: Constantly witnessing global conflicts and their devastating consequences can lead to a sense of helplessness.
Lack of Context: News stories often provide snapshots of complex issues, lacking the in-depth context and historical background required to truly understand the root causes and potential solutions. This leads to bias in many situations.
Time Consumed: Excessive news consumption can eat up a significant amount of your time, leaving you with less time for other important activities and personal growth.
Balancing Information Intake:
It’s crucial to stay informed about global events, but moderation is key. Here are some tips to strike a balance:
Set Limits: Define a specific time or duration for news consumption and stick to it. My general rule of thumb is 15 minutes in the morning and evening maximum.
The past week has brought the hope and celebration of a new year … and a showing of anger, narcissism, psychopathy, and hatred. We have seen it in war, in racism, in other ways, but not in this country in this way. As such it has left me a little uncertain how to write a blog for the new year and yet address the fears and anger and profound sadness with which this year has started given the events of January 6.
I found myself rereading “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck. He writes of the fact that we must be careful if we call another evil, for we also can go that way. And, in fact, those who are evil will always call the other evil. Think of the partner who treats their partner with blame, abuse, and a sick form of love; yet believes their lies that the partner truly is the one who is sick. Or someone who tells an individual that they are “lazy” when they know that they have a learning disability or other “hidden” disability that may simply mean slow processing or difficulty learning or doing one’s job. One may seem worse, i.e.: the abusive spouse over the parent, teacher, sister, or friend who calls someone “lazy”; yet both can hurt the other party. In “Dare to Lead” Brene Brown would call this time in America, or with family, or friends, or employees a time to be being willing to have ‘tough conversations” with a whole heart. My greater desire is to find a way to help you find hope and healing, not to cause pain or offense, or affront anyone. As I found myself reviewing the writing of the psychology of evil by Peck I was reminded of his words, “The problem of evil, for instance, can hardly be separated from the problem of goodness. Were there no goodness in the world, we would not even be considering the problem of evil” (p. 41). And so, I am trying to point out the way we can each move toward the goodness in life. We must remain aware of what is going on in the world and at home, and make choices much as those I am reviewing below for our own personal growth.
January 1 is World Day of Peace each year. Interestingly, I didn’t see a notice of this other than one brief one. That may have been due to a holiday weekend and busy weeks leading up to it. But I ran across a blog that addressed it, and the comments made by Pope Francis in it that are even more pertinent today, the 9th. “These and other events that marked humanity’s path this past year have taught us how important it is care for one another and creation in efforts to build a more fraternal society”. Peck agrees that love and goodness allow us to see the evil. And that the first step is to see it and call it for what it is. Brene would say we must live our values, be what we believe, and bravely live into trust with others and speak truth – but with empathy. Essentially Peck says the same. And in doing so, we must look at both the evil (or less than healthy) in ourselves and then, with compassion, speak our truth to a trusted friend or counselor, face it, and bravely work to change it.
As an example, it’s been a very busy week and I’ve had to deal with multiple needs of others and not had time to deal with everything that was hitting my phone, email, and texts. In trying to keep up I didn’t get a text answered that could have caused less anxiety for one person; I skimmed a few emails from a committee and likely hurt someone on that committee; and I’ve neglected Finley (ok, so he probably took the least of the toll; but I took him to daycare to play on Friday to make up for my lack of attention and he came back exhausted and is now zonked out). But I’ve had to go back and apologize to both people with whom I could have responded better and not caused the concerns that came up. Did I do it from a place of evil? No, but I did need to correct and be kind to them and trust that I can apologize and move forward. That’s what is meant by living what we believe, then speaking with compassion in seeking to change what my act of moving too fast did to others. Those are fairly easy things to repair. And yet they take time and thought and self-awareness.
What about the bigger concerns? What about a person who might be hurting a loved one of ours? It might be a boss hurting a friend, a child’s mental health hurting a parent, a minister hurting a group within a church, or even an animal killing other animals. While we might be able to explain each situation, there is pain, and a part of evilness, and a piece of unrest we experience in these situations. I ran into this in the first clinical situation I ever was involved in professionally. I was at a children’s center and was told to work with a child who had already shown a great deal of disregard for others or for human life. I remember thinking, “what in the world do I do here? I’m not equipped!” So, I read a lot about children like him, adults like him, spoke with some experts in town, and a couple out of town. In the end, what mattered most to me was helping his mother, in a small a way, begin to see him and recognize him for all of who he was. My goal became, through family therapy, to give her a tiny bit of understanding and help her to find some remnant of a human child who was good but terribly hurt by others to the point he was striking out so forcefully against all. That came from, as Brene says, brave work and tough conversations with the mom, as well as loving hard – with courage. Did I help the child? Frankly, I do not think I had the ability or experience or tools with which to effectively help him. For that I believe, even today, that he needed much more than I could offer at the time; thus, my decision to focus on the family.
What can we each do at this time? Rather than ignoring it, or hoping all will go away, we can take a couple of steps toward getting through a difficult time.
Name what it is that causing you the most difficulty internally. Simply stating it, writing it down, acknowledging it, is a step toward dealing with the difficulty we are facing. Is it fear? Is it confusion? Is it just dealing with life in front of us every day while we try to get our heads and hearts around what happened Wednesday or news we received from a friend?
Then, take some time to be vulnerable and share with another person. Talk with a friend, email your child’s teacher for help, talk to a mentor about what’s happening in the world and what you are feeling. Pray about the friend going through a divorce. Write or talk to those you fear you’ve hurt – say you’re sorry or ask for forgiveness. If it’s about the unrest here in the USA, find someone you can talk with who will not incite more unrest, but help you put a plan in place that helps you.
Decide if there is something you need to do about the situation. During one situation this week my choice was to take time to make a gift bag for a friend. I realized what I needed was to do something, not just ruminate on the issue. So, I took an hour to pull together what I wanted to offer her to surround herself with through the coming days and months.
Finally, nurture yourself. Take some quiet time with your spouse and just settle in for time to cuddle. Watch a movie if you’re exhausted and on empty. Pull your puppy in for hugs and lap pets.
The last thing I would also recommend is that you spend more time in a way to engage your spiritual self. For one person that is prayer or a music service. For another it is contemplative prayer. For still another it is taking a meditative walk and really looking at what is going on around you. One person I know reconnects with what is happening in the world and his life overall to gain perspective using levels of consciousness as a focus. Or, for still another reading something uplifting or writing a gratitude list. Whatever it is – I strongly urge you to open that part of your life up more widely.
This year, 2021, will have challenges as every year does. Some of the next days may bring more difficulty, or it may ease in other ways. And yet we can live our lives consciously and from a place of love and connection with others. Focus more on the love than the evil, and you will find the days easier to handle. We will make it through these days and times. Only a day at a time. Only a moment. And yet, as a very good friend reminded me at one point in the last 2 weeks, “All will be well”. I’ll end again with the prayer of St. Julian of Norwich (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BT0P5aE2IBg for a beautiful song of this).
All shall be well.
And all shall be well.
And all manner of thing shall be well.
…
For there is a Force of Love moving through the universe,
A friend greeted me by text this morning with a message of hope – and humor: “I hope you’re staring your day with a full cup”. This is a friend I appreciate a great deal for the hope she holds onto as I also try to, that hope will get us through. That doesn’t mean that we always get what we hope for, but that we are, in the end, always protected and strengthened to get through what we must.
During this time when we are dealing with so much angst in this country, and Covid at the holidays with numbers taking huge jumps, we may be wondering just how we are to have hope and remain at all positive. Hope is one of the only things I think we do have. If one has a spiritual connection, I do believe it may be easier. But hope, in the end, is the mental or spiritual or emotional trust that something will happen or come to be in the future. I saw a picture when perusing the Internet looking for some different views of hope. The Christian view of hope at this time of Advent is that of focusing on light instead of darkness; the Judaic of Hannukah is hope in the midst of darkness; both essentially saying that to hope is to trust that there will be light, brightness, change, or answers once the day is again well-lit or the time of difficulty passes.
Henri Nouwen wrote of radical hope: Essentially, he wrote, it is waiting with openness and trust – (wow, hard to do!) that “something is happening for us that is far beyond our own imaginings”. I have to tell you, that is not something I can do daily – leaning far beyond into a Source, for me a source of strength from my God despite anything that one might encounter in life. I may seek to be that strong, but it is a daily choice.
And that’s the funny thing about hope, it is a choice. I was recently speaking with two different friends, both of whom are in the midst of very difficult times in their lives for very different reasons – one a relationship and one an illness. And I was reminded how hard it is to hope in the midst of those dark seasons. When all one has hoped for or believed to be true is suddenly turned upside down, leaving us bereft, questioning the reality of all one believes or holds sacred in life or a relationship. So how to change and lean in more fully to hope?
Live your life today as though it were your last day. Another way of doing this as suggested by some coaches is to first write your obituary. Write what you want your life to have meant. And then – live it in some way. For me, that is continuing to care about people day by day. And something as simple as treating Finley, my dog, with care even when I’m tired and don’t want to play – but he does. Reach in to find the willingness, and reach out to care.
Exercise patience when the change comes slowly. I went through burnout in a previous career many, many years ago. Eventually I took a leave of absence at the advice of my therapist. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I stayed home until I actually felt in some way that I wanted to go back. It was an achingly slow process. And each time I asked him if I should go back, he looked back at me and asked, “Do you want to?” He told me to go back any earlier would undo any good the time away was doing me. During that time I read, took walks, slept in, cooked for loved ones, prayed, journaled. All of that helped me to come back slowly. So eventually I was able to say to him, “I think I’m ready to go back”. And I meant it. But hope in the middle was seen in such fine splintered improvement – nothing big, like a log. No, only a splinter at a time. Yet splinters add up. Ever started a huge roaring fire and couldn’t get it going without the kindling wood? Not so easy – but a little bit of the right small pieces can build a lasting fire for warmth.
It takes daily living in hope to finally feel it. It can be unbelievably difficult, but hope demands we keep moving before we feel it. The paradox I’ve found to be true is that I must act on hope, trusting I will eventually feel it, and by the time I do the most difficult times have finally passed. I want to feel it before and during the difficult time. But while I consciously hold onto the thought for it, the feeling comes after recovery from cancer, after one has finalized the divorce on all levels and gone on to live a new life, after one’s energy rebuilds after surgery or chemotherapy, after one has built the business or rebuilt what went wrong, after the pandemic has ended. Or has it? Isn’t hope the living – the belief things will get better…and the time we can see the results the effect of the hope? Think about how that might apply in your life. You might be surprised to find you have some hope – you’re just not acting on or living it.
Make no mistake, living a radical hope in which one believes life will improve beyond one’s expectations, is not easy. But it will give one some modicum of peace in the moment. Despite the migraines, nausea, sleepless nights, or worried days we may also experience, hope says but this will change and improve eventually. So, through these days of Covid-19 numbers exploding, or personal crisis, or preparation for Christmas or through Hanukkah or as one tends the crops before Kwanzaa–may December be a month of radical hope for you.
It’s been said that the morning comes with expectations and the evening ends with experiences. Have you ever been asked to go on a hike, and wanted to go, but expected the view in the desert to be brown and very hot, and not terribly exciting? But the hike sounded wonderful?
As you keep walking the hot, dry desert there are various twists and turns, and you learn new lessons about the desert and what it is like, what you are capable of hiking. And then there is turn, perhaps around the small mountain to the right, where you will see a whole new view that opens, like this:
The difference reminds me of how my expectations often are short-sighted and only about now. It can lead to an experience that seems “unfair” or somehow wrong. As an example, when I got Finley, my one-year-old Australian shepherd, a year ago, I very much enjoyed much of the love the companionship and fun I wanted. There also were many days of housebreaking and teaching him to walk on a leash and playing with him when I was exhausted. On one particularly difficult day, he chose to go and dig up a sprinkler line and come in full of mud (and joy) in the middle of an appointment I had with a client. Not a happy dog-mama at that moment! But today, all I need to do is call him when I see him out in the yard and suspect he is digging and he runs right in and comes to me. And it is rare for him to do it. So I ended up with a well-behaved dog (most of the time) and I’ve learned more patience, but the middle was not always fun and I wasn’t necessarily anticipating some of how I grew in this first year. 😊
Henri Nouwen spoke about this as the paradox of expectation in his writings. He wrote of many paradoxes, but in this one we may be expecting something wonderful, and yet receive pain, growth, or challenges in the middle, and the gift comes through that experience. In being open to this potential growth or gifting we can make it through some very painful days more easily. As Nouwen aid, “those who believe in tomorrow can better live today…those who expect joy to come out of sadness can discover the beginnings of a new life” (Henri Nouwen Society, March 12, 2019 Daily Meditation). Finley did grow up – and is much better behaved as a one-year-old than he was 9 months ago. And when I could remember he would mature and grow out of things I had much happier days.
I have a couple of friends going through very difficult cancer treatments right now. And you know I see clients who are often going through hard, hard times. We are all stressed this year by Covid-19 and the changes it has brought to our lives. When I turn to the expectation paradox, I get through these experiences so much more easily as I truly do believe good will eventually triumph in health, recovery will follow the sickness of chemotherapy, and when a loved one is near the end I truly do believe my loved one will again have a new life. I also believe that somehow a new normal in living with Covid-19 will come that allows better treatment or vaccine that will allow more contact and connection with others physically as well as through the virtual sources we often use now.
Am I being a Pollyanna? Well, I don’t think so. What I’ve learned over years is that if I expect that eventually things will work out, whatever happens in the middle is just the middle. It doesn’t mean I don’t grieve if I lose someone in death. It doesn’t mean I enjoy it when a doctor has a concern. And it doesn’t mean that I want to offer shallow compassion. But I do want to help you, and others, to remember this is but one day in our lives, not all of it. A Jewish proverb I have read is “He that can’t endure will not live to see the good”. And aren’t we really talking about the essence of hope as expressed on a save to my Pinterest board, “H.O.P.E.: Hold On Pain Eases”. So, what to do in the middle? One part is dealing with what is in the middle. If there are treatments we must undergo, we do it. A little over a year ago I needed to have a biopsy in out-patient surgery. To not address that would have been very unhelpful. It would have been closing my eyes and ignoring the situation. That’s not what I’m talking about. Instead, it was scheduled, and most fortunately, I was able to find out everything was fine quickly. For others, it’s going through very difficult treatments. Either way – we come out the other end – pain does, indeed, ease.
Another thing I recommend includes self-care methods I’ve written about frequently. But what about just looking for positive things happening in our world right now? We tend to over-focus on the election, Covid-19, and other concerns that are valid, but when overly focused upon lead to depression and anxiety and constant unrest within. We cannot ignore those concerns, but we also need to take time to notice what we are grateful for and what is positive around us. Angie found several things, and I’ll mention three here:
Take a look at “Cook Like a Firefighter”, an event ongoing through October 17 at https://egivesmart.com/events/ibl/. Quite a few Arizona fire departments are participating in a fundraiser for burn victims. You’ll find recipes you can make at home and each department has a separate link to a video to watch them prepare the dish!
Where to find such stories and information when you just need a breath of fresh air? Check out https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org . This allows us to also alter some of our expectations by reminding us that, as my grandma used to tell me, “It’s always darkest before the dawn” – and dawn will eventually arrive no matter how bad it feels or is today.
May you each remember the paradox of expectation and focus on the joy that will come, the healing, the peace. As Nouwen says, your heart will be full of joy again. We are wishing each of you some time of lightness, peace, and rest so you may take on the next challenges to come your way with a renewed spirit.
Such words often stir feelings deep in our souls and hearts. As humans we tend to avoid such feelings and experiences. And yet we have had to often face all three more deeply this year than others. What do they mean? Are they the same? How are they different? Sometimes we find we want to just brush over the words and feelings that pop up and run to find someone and be busy. Yet some philosophies, spirituality and philosophy among them, encourage solitude at times. And in solitude we are alone.
Depending on the definition, loneliness is either physical isolation or the feeling of sadness over not having people around. Or, from a philosophical and psychological perspective, it is a feeling of having insufficient relationships or accessibility to others to meet the needs a person has at that time. It may simply be a need for companionship and with Covid-19 we cannot always get together as we’d like because it competes with need to stay at home more.
Solitude is defined as the less painful part of not having people available – being alone and enjoying that and finding comfort or relief in the silence, or as Paul Tillich defined it, “the glory of being alone”.
Alone is simply having no one else present. It’s a state of being, but not related to feelings.
Introverts often relish times of solitude and use them to recharge their batteries. I’m partially introverted, and a quiet evening alone is sheer enjoyment for me. I am in solitude, not feeling loneliness. However, an extrovert who recharges with others may face alone time after a busy day as painful and lonely. That person doesn’t have the others around to recharge with and thus the felt experience of solitude is very different.
I read a book by a philosopher and psychologist from the 1950’s, Clark Moustakas, that was entitled “Loneliness”. It was interesting as I read reviews of it on Amazon today – readers talk about it as not being the self-help book of the 2000’s, but rather a warm, inviting book, that asks us to look at what we are experiencing in the way of solitude versus loneliness and helping us to individually tackle the existential loneliness we are feeling at times. I truly believe the experience of loneliness is not unique to us – but rather something we all experience at times, and based on the situation of it, may feel like solitude is pleasurable or loneliness which is painful.
I was speaking with a friend who had cancer years ago, and one of the things she mentioned to me was that while she had family and sisters who were there to support her every step, and friends who were available and caring, the essence of her experience was a very lonely one. She had to go under the radiation with only herself. And eventually, she had to face her own death in some lonely ways. Yet she also had times of solitude when she experienced spiritual growth and connection. During Covid-19 many people are feeling lonely and depressed – others feeling solitude – and both can be in times they are alone or with others. But it is loneliness that leads to depression.
Depression is a reaction to longer term loneliness for some, and can leave a person feeling isolated, hopeless, and abandoned. On a rational level, we may know that we are not abandoned at all, and yet the isolation is hurtful. I can only imagine how isolating life is for many in senior care facilities or hospitals during this time. The time we most need connection and love and touch is the very time we are quarantining and not connecting or touching. And if a person has a limited memory, as many elderly do in senior care facilities, then that must feel like true abandonment. Thankfully iPads and other devices have allowed some connection for many; but, this is still not the touch and presence that can bring us out of loneliness. And unfortunately for many living alone and for others isolated in their living without time with friends, this is leading to higher levels of depression that has led to even higher levels of suicide than the past. This month is National Suicide Awareness month and it’s so important we remain aware that we can turn loneliness to more of an experience of solitude – for growth spiritually and otherwise that can become more positive rather than the intensely painful loneliness that underlies the suicide increases.
So how does a person make this shift? Here are a few ideas from multiple sources of both spiritual and psychological literature. Moustakas would encourage us to look within for what loneliness means to us, and how solitude might help us move out to a more healthy place. He believed that it comes through introspection and not just trying to change the environment. So asking yourself questions – what does it mean to you to not have people around as much? What do you believe that means about you? How did you come to have that belief? What are your spiritual beliefs about loneliness? Is there a way to walk into the loneliness and see what you might learn about yourself? How is loneliness helpful in your life right now? What is there for you to learn from it? Start anywhere in these questions and begin journaling about your own experiences and internal feelings. I would encourage you to move on to see where this goes and, if you can, look for Moustakas’ book (it’s hard to find but worth it) and take the journey he offers through it. One of the gifts of loneliness is shifting to solitude through which we find meaning or purpose in this time. In writing through exercises such as the above I do believe you’ll make your way through the desolation of loneliness to the peace of solitude.
If depression has you, then first deal with the depression. If it is significant and/or you have thoughts of self-harm at all – then you need to reach out for help now. Not later. There is a suicide hot-line at 1-800-273-8255 that is available 24 hours a day. If you don’t feel suicidal but the depression is strong, then reach out to your family doctor, gynecologist, therapist, or spiritual director/priest/rabbi and get some help for it. Only after this is resolved will you be able to move into the above ideas from Moustakas.
Don’t ignore the spiritual work you may be called to during this time that can soothe the loneliness. Starting a new practice can be helpful at times when we feel dark around us rather than the light of solitude. At other times hunkering down in a tried and true path is more comfortable. Regardless, consider which feels right to you and perhaps try walking a handheld or land-based labyrinth, focus on a daily reading, take a mindful walk in the park, reread a special spiritual book or passage in the Bible or your faith’s tradition and take comfort in the words.
In addition to the personal work, I would also encourage you to consider who else might be available. Call a friend and ask to do it face-to-face on WhatsApp or Facetime or Zoom or some other modality. Visual connection helps over only auditory and much more so than text. I also encourage walks – get out and move and at least see others in your neighborhood as it will give you a mild sense of connection to your community in a safe way. Other ideas to reaffirm connection can be joining an online class or service where there are regular Zoom or other meetings and you have the opportunity to interact with everyone; planning a weekend camping with a friend or a time at a cabin with friend or family member; volunteering where you feel safe such as walking a dog at a shelter- walking outdoors and cuddling with an animal might meet two needs in one; get a pet after considering what you can handle long-term, it may not be a dog or cat but perhaps a hamster or bird to keep you company. You get the idea.
Loneliness is a frequent feeling experienced recently, and may underlie the fatigue many are feeling in following pandemic safety. There are ways through it, as I’ve shared. John O’Donohue also writes about solitude and loneliness. May his words bring you encouragement, comfort, and increased solitude over pain.
With care and best wishes for growth and comfort to your heart,
The word “creativity” may make you think of artsy types, ready to craft a mask, whip up a painting, play an instrument, or pen a novel. And it is, in part, but it’s also about coming up with something new. In this case, let’s consider creative new ways to communicate, to stay connected, to motivate employees to stay engaged and do their best work even while working from home, and also, to entertain ourselves and find some joy in even the most trying of times. And, for those of you who would like to stretch yourself in the traditionally creative sense, keep reading, I have a few ideas for you too.
“Necessity is the mother of invention”-English proverb. We have found this to be true during trying times in our history which turned up products that changed lives. Take a look at the list of things we may never have had without tough times that caused someone to think outside the box.
Toll House Cookies: Ruth Graves Wakefield accidentally created the recipe while baking for her guests as the owner of the Toll House Inn. During the great depression, running out of baker’s chocolate, Wakefield settled for cutting a chocolate bar into pieces assuming the chocolate would melt. Instead, it hardened into tiny chips and became the first chocolate chip cookie. Families in the area of the Inn sent the cookies to their soldiers overseas who then shared them amongst the troops and began writing home begging for more–they became a global phenomenon. She eventually gave the recipe to Nestle, who compensated her with the only thing better than money: a lifetime supply of free chocolate.
Basketball: The game was invented in 1891 by Dr. James Naismith, a sports coach, but for the first three years, it was actually played with a soccer ball. Then in the midst of a recession, Naismith encouraged A.G. Spalding to create a ball specifically designed for the new game. With few changes, this is the same Spalding ball you see on the courts today.
M&M’s: “Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” During the Spanish Civil War in the 1930s, Forrest Mars, Sr. (of the Mars Company) saw British soldiers eating pellets of chocolate coated in a hard candy shell. The shell kept the chocolate from melting in the soldiers’ hands. Mars patented the product and started producing M&M’s, exclusively selling to the military in World War II.
Pilates: Physical trainer Joseph Pilates conceived the idea of the workout known for core strengthening, flexibility, and balance while a prisoner of war in an internment camp during WWI. He honed his method of “contrology” on fellow inmates, aiding in the rehab of injured veterans. After the war, Joseph Pilates immigrated to the US and collaborated with dance and exercise experts to nail down the system we know simply as “Pilates.”
Meetup: New Yorker Scott Heiferman was in his apartment on September 11, 2001, when two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. In the aftermath, he found himself surrounded by neighbors he’d never even met. Following the tragedy, Heiferman observed the desire for community and that led to the creation of social networking site Meetup, where users can meet like-minded individuals in their area and make plans for face to face meetups.
And today there are already examples of crafty new products, businesses pivoting to meet new demand, and new uses of existing products. I’ve seen several ads for keychains that look similar to bottle openers but have been designed to open doors, press elevator buttons, and other tasks acting as a stand-in for fingers on high touch surfaces. In other countries there have been 3D printed handles attached to refrigeration doors in grocery stores that can be opened using a forearm rather than a hand. And businesses, even locally, that were previously in the space of building cabinetry that have now taken up crafting acrylic barriers for public spaces in an effort to meet the new demands of safety for businesses. School shop classes and computer labs have in some areas started implementing use of their equipment to create face shields. Shortly after the virus struck and stay-at-home orders were issued, restaurants were finding ways to create online bodega offerings by continuing to buy from their suppliers in bulk and then make household sized quantities of products available in a market that was difficult to find many products. And this next story I hear about our teens… While it may not be one of productivity, these kids are inspiring to me because this ingenuity is exactly what we need in our future generations. There was an article written about a year ago titled, “The Hottest Chat App for Teens Is… Google Docs” which describes that our teens are creating google docs, sharing them with friends—often as they sit in class—and due to the nature of Google Docs ability to see live updates by any of the document holders, are chatting with their friends much the way our older generations used to with passed folded notes.
Stories like these are inspiring to me, I love to watch the way people come together in support during times like these that are so difficult in so many ways. And to see that some businesses are able to find new ways to bring in revenue at a time many financial forecasts have flattened, it’s inspiring and has me hoping that others are looking for ways to do so themselves. I’ve also read that groups of co-workers who are now forced to work from home but are single, and thus, feeling very alone, have begun creating Zoom calls every morning with their colleagues so they can virtually sit side by side and do their jobs—and not feel so isolated. I’ve also read that there are nurses, who are understandably fatigued and stressed and overworked, that are finding ways to lighten spirits during their shifts. One story that stuck with me was a nurse who had two patients on a non-Covid floor who had to frequently get up to urinate, requiring help each time. The patients were apologetic, feeling they were pulling the nurse from more important duties. She reassured them, and realized they had senses of humor that would appreciate this boost—she created an “award” for them at the end of her shift for “most frequent use of the facilities”. The initial embarrassment was turned into a laugh for the patients and the nurse and lightened the mood all around.
And, now for the creatives and the creative hopefuls among us—let’s inspire you to keep going with your talent or your desire to learn a skill. Want to learn the guitar, or learn new songs? Fender has online classes found here in bite-sized pieces. How about the piano? Want to learn with Harry Connick, Jr showing you the ropes? Check this out. If writing is more your style, there’s playwriting, guidance for getting that novel written you’ve had rattling around in your brain, or a cool article from none other than Judy Blume, of tween girl fiction fame, with some tips on writing a children’s book. And if you’re looking for some visual art inspiration, I was impressed with this page Berkeley put together. There are also some great online art classes being offered by artist collectives like this—there is some free content to get you started and the classes utilize a number of different medias, from painting and sketching, to mixed media. And for the parents among us looking for outlets for the kids, take a look at Camp Creativity for some fun free content.
Let this be a time of creativity. The change in perspective by introducing a new idea lightens the spirit, helps move through darkness to hope, and may prove the path to a whole new business or product. If you are a supervisor to others, take some time to consider new ways to motivate your team—the morale boost can help not only their mental health but the fiscal health of your business. If you are a health care worker, are there ways to inject some levity in your day in even small ways? Quality patient care and provider burnout are uniquely tied together, so look for ways to help ease your daily stress, even if you simply create an “award” to bring a laugh. Are you working from home and lonely? Consider starting Zoom calls with colleagues so you can still have some office chatter while sitting in your home office. And, if you’re a parent facing burnout, look for Facebook groups for your area or for parents with children of similar age, or take a look at Meetup to find some peer support. Often, having those groups can make you feel less alone in your frustration and you find humor in commiseration. All or any of these ideas can help prevent or alleviate the depression and boredom I’m seeing so often around me. Take a chance – take a leap – and try creatively something new in meeting a need you or others around you have.
thewholenessinstitute 